the things they never showed you on Cheers

1300 hrs. the jew and i, as per usual, were having lunch at our sweet bunker of nourishment yesterday. the jew, as per usual, was late arriving. and, as per usual, i got stuck having to sit near a overly chatty whiskey shooting man.

prior to the jew getting there he told me that he was a 24 year vet of the army. had just gotten back from iraq 2 days prior and no, he wasn't driving today officer so i needn't worry. he told the bartender that what he did in the army was the same thing i did for the city. to which i replied "what? deal with drunk idiots?" (remember this!). he said he was an MP officer. being as polite as i ever am, and seeing the potential for the blogging, i of course didn't ignore him. i did however send a text to the jew saying "weird guy keeps talking to me. rescue me!"

she, per usual, swooped in to save the day.

he at least could take a hint (slightly) and didn't engage in too much interrupting since someone sat between him and i for most of the meal. of course, as soon as that person left it was fair game. he originally came in and announced he would be having just 1 shot of whiskey. he ended up having 3-4 while we were there alone.

he then asked eric (the cute bartender) where the "latrine" was and at this point the jew gave her "uh, did he just....what?" look that she does before actually verbally saying it. i explained the army. the vet. the iraq. his life story that he had told me. she pursed her lips and gave the "ah. right." look that she also does.

he comes back and announces that he has hit his head on the sprinkler system in the bathroom. this is when the jew and i looked at each other, smiled and she goes "dude, i'm thinking...blog". we decided that, yes, even though we were done eating and had paid, we definitely needed to see how this played out.

unfortunately nothing exciting happened after that point.

UNTIL....

1900 hrs. i'm patrolling my beat. outside the sweet bunker of nourishment, sitting on the stairs, is the guy. my whiskey shooting vet. it's been 6 hours! all of which he's clearly taken the time to become one with the bottom of the jack bottle. he's now on his cell phone screaming "WHO DID I SLEEP WITH? HUH? WHO DID I SLEEP WITH BITCH!?". i text the jew "omg. army guy from lunch drunk on 36th...screaming into his phone. i'm going to try and get him a cab before MPD gets him". at which point i walk up to him and he puts the phone down.

"hey man, you alright?"
"huh?"
"you ok?"
"what?"
(i take my baseball cap off)
"you remember me from lunch today"
"oh yeah! you're that hot girl. you were with that other hot girl."
(he puts his finger up to me in a "hold on motion" and returns to his call)
"have a good fucking life! you know my cell number."
(he hangs up; i sit down next to him on the stairs)
"so buddy, what's going on? you seem upset?
"it's not illegal to be upset, is it?"
"nope. but i can't have you intoxicated screaming on my streets... and i'm concerned. you're a brother in arms, man, i gotta make sure you're alright." (i'm so smooth at talking with the drunkies :) )
"nah, i'm alright. i wish you were single."
"um."
"i shouldn't have said that...i mean, i'm just guessing that you're not single. you're too beautiful...that girl with you...you two...man. normally i wouldn't condone that type of thing but you two together...you can tell you two really care about each other...yeah...tell her i'm sorry for hitting on her lady. this is embarrassing."
(ugh. seriously? even this random drunk guy thinks this shit? sigh.)
"um...yeah. how about we get you in a cab, buddy? get you back to where you need to be. i think you've had enough for tonight."
"yeah. you wanna come with me?"
(i hail a cab)
"yeah, not so much."
"i'm dean, by the way."
(put him in the cab)
"you look like a dean, dean." (he really did)
(to the cabbie)
"you take him to his hotel. no stops between. no bars. no liquor stores. understood?" (it's a dc cabbie, who knows if he actually understood. but he nodded).

dean was on his way.

so the moral of the story is:
i wanna go where nobody knows my name...

sigh.