we're like the golden girls...minus the slutty one.

(extremely lengthy post ahead)

2211 hrs. the jew returns from class to arrive home.
2311 hrs. i return from work to arrive home.
2355 hrs. the ruskie returns from her trip to arrive home.

2356 the chaos begins. (and the internet isn't working...:()

the dog, first off, is very happy to have all his girls home. a happy dog makes for a happy jew and a happy jew makes for a non unhappy household. if the jew ain't happy ain't no one happy. i swear. yom kippur is an excellent example of this.

the ruskie begins with "dude, we drove 200 miles round trip last night...to the middle of fucking nowhere texas....for...chicken fried bacon...it was amazing." the jew says it sounds disgusting at the exact time i concur with the ruskie that, yes, that does sound amazing.

talking about bacon reminded me of passover at which point i informed the jew that she would be passing over the opportunity to see Common on the night of passover. to which she replied "fuck that. i'm going to the concert...i just can't eat bread while there."

flash forward a few minutes to all of us realizing, holy shit, we're exhausted. bed time. um, yeah.

the jew does this thing every night. EVERY NIGHT. where she says goodnight to the dog. gives him kisses. tells him she loves him. goes in her room. comes back out and looks at him. goes back in her room. comes back out again and looks at him. and then stands in the doorway between the hallway and the living room giving him this look of "i wish you could sleep in my bed and cuddle. but you're an animal. with fur. that sheds. and i'm anal about my sheets." and finally, after much pouting on her part and sad eyes on his part she goes in her bedroom and stays.

i explain this process to the ruskie. she does that "whatever, dude" look. announces she's taking a shower.

the jew does her back/forth/pouting thing with the dog. goes in her room. i roll my eyes, go upstairs to mine. the dog follows. get the dog settled. get myself settled. close my eyes. hear a bunch of commotion downstairs. what the hell are they doing?

get out of bed. stand at the top of the stairs. they're fiddling with the internet. go back, get in bed.

ruskie: "it's not working"
jew: "reset it."
ruskie: "it's still not working."
jew : "[the gypsy] BROKE IT."
me: "NO I DIDN'T! IT WAS BROKEN WHEN I CAME HOME."
jew: "I DIDN'T EVEN TRY TO USE IT!"
me: MAYBE THAT'S THE PROBLEM. IT'S UPSET THAT YOU NEGLECTED IT."
(the dog now thinks that me and the jew are screaming cause we're fighting and he jumps on my face to either kill me for yelling at the jew or protect me from the jew. the jew and the ruskie continue to fiddle downstairs. i realize i'm not getting any sleep anytime soon. i come downstairs.)
me: "is it a comcast issue?"
jew: "probably."
me: "it was working until [the ruskie] came home. i'm blaming her."
ruskie: "hey now!"
jew: "it is true."

the ruskie gives up on the internet. announces, again, she's going to take a shower. the dog is now all riled up because the jew has told him it is morning time (he's not the brightest). he also is very angry with the jew for yelling at me. his ears are back. he's not having any part of her. this, of course, makes the jew mopey. the jew now has to make sure that he's not upset with her because "they shouldn't go to bed angry" with each other. omg, seriously? that's the look i give her, of course.

at this point she begins to play super emt and realizes (or thinks) that the dog's pupils are not equal. impending death and doom she says! whatever.

jew: "i need to check. this is what i do for a living." (we're both holding the dogs face at this point. a lot closer in physical proximity that, frankly, either of us probably feel comfortable with.)
me: "really? i thought you worked on databases?" ::looks up to her, gives shit eating grin::
jew:.....:::look of impending gypsy killing::: ::middle finger extended::: "fuck you" ::walks away::
me: "i love you..." ::another shit eating grin:: (cause she can't stay mad at me, really)
jew: "fuck you!"

she then runs towards me with her fist out, swings, misses (playfully mind you. if she had been serious i would have dropped her ass so quickly she wouldn't have known what hit her). the dog, however, doesn't understand this is all in jest and in all his great manly protective nature jumps off the couch and goes and jumps on her and...licks her. yeah, way to protect me there, cujo.

so now we all want to go to bed again. the jew decides that, again, can't go to bed with the dog angry. he's not having any part of her.

"i'll just buy his love!...want a treat?!" of course he does! he's a dog! he's given his "treat" (which is just really an ice cube, btw. no, seriously they're like crack to him.) and all is well. time for bed. but first the jew has to do her bed time process. in the room. out of the room. look at the dog, etc. finally it's complete. we head our separate ways.

back upstairs. get the dog settled. get me settled. get the eyes closed.

ruskie: "[JEW]!
jew: "WHAT?"
ruskie: "HOW DO I TURN THIS OFF?"
me to myself: "dear god, what now?!"

commotion downstairs. mumbling.

jew: "[GYPSY]!"
me: "what?"
jew: "WE NEED TO CALL A PLUMBER."
me to myself: "what could they have possible broken?..eh, i'm a dyke, i can fix it. i don't need no stinkin' plumber!"

i go downstairs. they're in the bathroom/hallway. the jew points to the ruskie who is covered in sprays of water. the shower faucet is, apparently, not working.

jew: "i managed to get it turned off."
me to the ruskie, jokingly: "WHAT DID YOU DO?!"
ruskie:::points to her water splattered shirt::: "i didn't do anything!"
me: "you need to go back to texas...first the internet. now the shower. you can't live here anymore"

i check out the faucet. yep. broken.

me: "sorry i can't plumb for you guys. i fail as a lesbian."
ruskie: "i'll just wash my face then."
jew: "you can boil water. take a bath."
me: "we still have hot water, [jew]. we wouldn't need to boil it. we could get it from the sink."
jew: "i'm showering at the gym tomorrow."
me: "if we had a hose we could just do it the way my cousins do it in arizona." (don't ask)
jew to the ruskie: "don't ask."
ruskie: "i'm just going to wash my face."
jew: "i'm going to bed."
me as i walk upstairs: "fucking straight girls."

get upstairs. get the dog settled. go to close one eye and...

jew: "NOW WE HAVE SOMETHING TO BLOG ABOUT!"
me: "IF [the ruskie] HADN'T BROKEN THE INTERNET I'D BE ABLE TO"

nothing but laughter. and of course, from the ruskie "hey now!"

0045 hrs. finally get my eyes closed. no one's yelling.

i love this house. i love my home. i love these girls. i hate the shower.