Thursday, January 31, 2008

insurance companies love us

today marks ER visit number 2 billion and 5. or at least it feels like it.

why wasn't katzif there to see the ugly super duper dyke wink and wave at me as soon as i sat down in the waiting room? and what does that say about me and the vibe i give off?


i still say i have the best jew in all the history of all the jews (take that moses!). even when she doesn't want to and doesn't have the time, she'll still show up and save my day.

way to go, jew. love, gypsy.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

being apart for 5 minutes isn't going to kill us...right?

Took the jew to the bank yesterday because I had her car because my crazy roommate had the one I usually drive. Whatever.

Jew gets out of the car at the bank and nervously asks "you rolling with me or you staying here?" "I'm staying here." "Um...ok."

I should have known then that something wasn't right with her but I was a little preoccupied by the fact that her shirt didn't match her pants, so again, whatever.

Text message from the jew while she's in line inside the bank "I just realized I'm totally wearing the wrong shirt to match these pants."

"I know."

and then we texted a few more times until I texted "You do realize we could be having this conversation in person, right?"

"The line is long. I hate banks. They make me nervous."

And then I realized I totally should have realized that because banks force you to have your back to the door, and duh, that's like the biggest irk for either of us. So I went inside to keep her company. Now, mind you, I was in full SWAT clothing. Black BDU's, black SWAT shirt, black POLICE hat, and combat boots. I refused to answer the little gay boy that asked me if I needed any help and immediately went up to where my jew was at the counter. And then I totally realized I looked like her body guard (or a terrorist!). Which made me wonder what other people were thinking about us.

And then I wondered what it would be like to actually be the jews bodyguard. But the idea of it was too exhausting to comprehend. The jew, she is exhausting at times. I swear.

now i'm just as famous as the jew!

emailed to me from my jew: subject line "YOU'RE FAMOUS!"
"Assault occurred in the 3700 block of O St NW at 12:40 am. A citizen
reports a subject struck her on her shoulder with his fist. The case was
closed with one arrest"

Still, made the crime blotter. Go me!

What it doesn't say is said "citizen" totally kicked major ass after being assaulted. OH AND I ARRESTED HIM TOO!

the question is: how many times can katzif and i make it into the crime blotters AS VICTIMS within a one year time span? so far: 2 and counting.

oh, jew, i wish i knew how to quit you...

but the shit we get ourselves into is just too much of a brilliant disaster to actually try.

the following takes place in the hour of 1800-1900:

text from jew: hey, i'm on way over. (she needed to drop off part of my uniform)

text from me: do you want me to meet you downstairs?

jew: it'll just be easier (REMEMBER THIS!)


and then the jew shows up.


so after i've called in late to work, we decide to camp out on my balcony and watch the fire dept do what they do best (read: stand around with pretty flashy lights).

nothing really exciting happened, i must say (unless you count that a truck moved and the ladder came off the roof---very exciting to the katz).

but the whole point of this blog is: HOW DO WE GET OURSELVES INTO THIS SHIT?

nothing exciting ever happens to me when i'm away from her (and, yes, on occasion we are separate from one another). nearly nothing exciting ever happens to her (except in the 'hood around her). so really, what kind of karma must we have that shit like this happens IMMEDIATELY UPON US BEING AROUND EACH OTHER?

can someone develop a 12-step program for me and my jew? because clearly, we need to: 1) learn how to not spend every day together and B) learn how to not HAVE CRAZY ASS RANDOM SHIT (read: adventures) HAPPEN TO US.

the end.

ps. my fingers are frozen because, of course, i'm sitting on the balcony typing while watching the DCFD in 35 degree weather.vbjkl;' ( that was the dog typing)
pss: and of course neither of us have a camera with us.

--originally posted dec 19, 2007; 1819hrs

the jew and the gypsy went a huntin' for a house...

and realized they should never be allowed to do anything together. ever.

let's start off with an explanation for anyone who doesn't know who laura (or katzif, as i lovingly call her) is. laura is the straight girl that i will never hook up with for all eternity because she's too much like me. this makes her even more awesome than she already is. also, she can very well be described as my long lost conjoined twin. somehow we forgot to come out conjoined. if you knew us you would understand that us forgetting something of this enormity could happen. also, we somehow managed to come out of two different wombs in two different continents. again, if you knew us, you'd know that somehow we could probably have made that happen at a young age too. whatever. long lost conjoined twin. she got the better hair, jerk.

today seemed like a perfect day to go house hunting on our parts. why are we living together one may not really care to ask? well, it's just that time. that time where you realize you need to move out on your own, you're 25 for fucks sake, but really you can't afford to live on your own. so you go with a roommate that you probably won't end up wanting to kill or, ya know, won't end up killing you (or cutting up your clothing) so you go to your new found long lost conjoined twin from another country and make the offer and since she already was thinking the same thing (because this happens even in long lost conjoined twins) she says "yeah sure ok" and you're on your way.

so we were on our way.

the weather was nice. a little foreboding over katzif's place, but really, even the sun is afraid to go out in that neighborhood.

so we head out to a place out in the middle of nowhere --not like check you for ticks in the sticks kinda out there--but a substantial hike in terms of everyday commute. the house, i must say, was actually quite aesthetically appealing. good construction. solid neighborhood. not too many logistical issues from a safety point of view. mostly pros in my book, but the bedrooms were a little tiny so maybe it's a no go. Personally, I liked it. whatever to katzif. WHATEVER. the best part, i realize, that we're going to look for houses and no one is going to get it that we're not a couple which is awesome because that always makes people jumpy and awkward. and ya'll know i do love to make people jumpy and awkward.

second place needs a lot of work but is totally doable. i felt it was very drafty and would cost me a bazillion (read 300) dollars a month to heat the fucker. the owner seemed lovely. midwest girls are the best, of course. i think it could be doable but not my most favorite thing i've ever seen. didn't feel warm (remember the drafty) or like home. but apparently they don't have spiders which is a plus for katzif. they may have poodle bugs but whatever all i'm hearing is katzif has a thing about spiders AND SHE WON'T LET ME TORTURE HER ABOUT IT. not fair. not fair at all.

why, you may ask yourself, is she yammering on about this at all? this shit is boring. and yes, you are correct. but i guarantee you the following shit IS NOT BORING.


to get the full effect i need to set this up a bit. i need you to picture me driving and katzif trying to find directions on her blackberry. you got that? okay.

me: "i'm really glad i trust you...i'd have already ripped that thing out of anyone else's hands to check we were going in the right way...but i trust you implicitly so i know i don't have to do this."

apping*....*checking of signs*...."

me: "really...seriously i don't think i put this much faith in anyone to get me where i need to go but you."

her: "um...we need to be going the other way."

brilliant, right? so we get off on the next exit and then spend like 25 minutes trying to find the highway again. whatever.

now, let me explain edward. edward is a man we not knew of 10 hours ago. we read his ad on craigslist about his house for rent. it was a very thought out extensive listing. really. no joke. laura called and made an appt to see it. he was chatty...well, chatty may not be the word for it, but it's the best i can come with....redundant. he was redundant. this should be fun.

okay so we're lost. it's crazy windy. it's now dark. i'm hungry and katzif has to pee. we're 45 min late to the appt. we missed the proper turns for this house twice, not to mention the freeway faux pas. we turn down the correct street and OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE BRANCHES AND SHRUBBERY FLY OUT OF THE SKY AND INTO THE CAR AND AROUND THE CAR AND OH AUNTIE EM THERES NO PLACE LIKE HOME.

me: ""
her: ""
me: "is this a sign?"
her: "there's the truck! PARK BEHIND THE RED TRUCK"

for the 2nd time today i made the mistake of listening to her and parked behind the red truck.

my third mistake of the day? when edward, the large man with the crack house of crap standing behind him, opened the door i didn't say "let me tell you about jehovah" and pretend we weren't there to see the crap he was trying to pass off as an abode.

now there are a lot of words that i could use to describe this house, but seeing as it is much better described through interpretive dance, i'll let you use your imagination. but, really, crap. everywhere. everywhere. DEAR GOD WHERE DO I PUT MY FEET AND HOLY SHIT WAS THAT BOX MOVING? kinda crap. lucky my girl katzif's on the ball and starts looking at her watch and before i can ask her what time she needs to go to work, she goes "what time do we have to leave to get you to work tonight?" oh i love you, katzif. i really do. totally sympatico. but even then edward would not stop talking. oh, i need to look at this list? do i, edward, do i? no I NEED TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE BEFORE I TAP A HOLE IN YOUR FLOOR WHICH DOESN'T SEEM TOO STURDY TO BEGIN WITH.

so we finally get to leave. get in the car. and....

me/her: "wtf........." laughter.

all in all a fun day. but really me + katzif = good times even in bad ones.

no house was procured. no prospects solidified. we're not even sure we're going to live together. but honestly, for the sake of my mental health and life hilarity i think we should.

and i don't even care if she's the only one that finds this remotely funny. because, honestly, you had to be there. though if anyone else was there, i guarantee this shit wouldn't have happened.

--originally posted dec 16, 2007; 2237 hrs

it could be worse, you could be bleeding...oh, wait...

originally posted Nov 30th 2007, 0101 hrs

here's a run down of the last 15 hrs of my life. proof positive that someone somewhere needs to give me a fucking hug. katzif too. we can't hug each other though since it's too scandalous.

0800: call from katzif. not a good sign.

0845:return her call. no answer. not a good sign.

0900: get a return call from katzif regarding returned call to her regarding her car getting broken into in her ghetto. are we surprised? no. annoyed? yes. coffee needed? i head over (there are some perks to my overpriced building).

0950: MPD crime scene investigator (notice no a plural) come out with a
never-before-seen quickness (they must've heard katzif is really really patient....its her strongest quality) and immediately do a small horse and pony show for us revealing absolutely nothing "yep, broke a window....yep, stole your...drycleaning? really?" REALLY, PEOPLE, REALLY.

1015: a few errands preparing us to take her car to the dealership for the fixins' (the new glass, not some stuffing and turkey...i went back to indiana, what can i say?)

1130: done with the body shop, enter Allison for transportation back to my car/katzif's house. OH, DID I MENTION THE REASON IT TOOK 3 CARS TO TRANSPORT 2 PEOPLE IS BECAUSE KATZIF'S TOO GIMPY TO DRIVE RIGHT NOW. she can blame that on me, whatever. i can take it. and, no, Allison NEITHER OF US WANTS TO BORROW YOUR NAUGHTY ELF OUTFIT. or your naughty anything outfit. SERIOUSLY.

1140: inventory of katzif's clothes that i swear she's never actually paid attention to long enough to know what she really owns. duh, it was the gray sweater missing. no, i'm not scary for knowing this. I'M THE PO-LICE.

1237: TOMBS! oh sweet glorious bunker of nourishment. finally lunch. which is what we should have been doing at 1130. but whatever.

1352: we go our separate ways but not before making a scandal in healy circle by touching each other. ewww, cooties. gross. we'll be hearing about this one for awhile i'm sure.

1530: finally back home. haven't slept since i woke up at 5am wed. it's been a long day already....

1532: WTF? why are there maintenance men tearing up MY FUCKING BATHROOM. or really christina's bathroom but STILL. go away i want to sleep.

1715: woke up from the weirdest dream ever about katzif and the curse of knowing her (read: endless entertainment). BUT ALSO wake up to a bed/pillow/sweatshirt of blood. HOLY FUCK I DIED. no but seriously i wish. cause now i get to SPEND MY WHOLE FUCKING NIGHT AT THE KAISER URGENT CARE. not ER. ER are for people already 1 foot in the grave apparently. but, because katzif rocks, i don't have to spend the night alone she's going to entertain me. AND NOW SHE'S STUCK HAHAHAHAH.

1855: arrive at kaiser urgent care. blah blah blah hot doctor blah blah blah wait.

1910: poked and prodded and bled dry

1915: back to the waiting room where we get accosted by a little monster who was cute at first but quickly became not as much as the night progressed. I DON'T WANT TO PLAY WITH YOUR CAR AND I DON'T SPEAK SPANISH.


2215: I go to puke and have to say "Don't cause any problems, katzif" when i walk away. BECAUSE YOU KNOW SHE TOTALLY WOULD

2230: blahblahblah hot doc blahblahblah not going to do anything, but aren't you glad we came. not so much, but thanks!

2300: drop the katzif off after having to convince her and myself that i wasn't going to die tonight...i haven't yet but hey the night's still young~
oh, and the song playing on the radio when i dropped her off? It's a beautiful day by U2...IS IT? IS IT REALLY, BONO?

2315: home at last. to start it all over again tomorrow.

SERIOUSLY, SOMEBODY GIVE ME AND KATZIF A MEDAL AND A HUG. we deserve it. especially her because she hasn't had any sleep or food and she was stuck in a suit all day. OH AND SHE HAD TO PUT UP WITH ME SO SHE IS TOTALLY MADE OF WIN TODAY. or most days.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

newness and whatnots

This blog is the brainchild of me(the gypsy) and my soon-to-be roommate(the jew). To understand the concept behind this thing you must understand the dynamics of the two of us. We like to say that I'm the straightest gay girl she's ever met and she's the gayest straight girl I've ever met. I also like to think of her as my brain twin and vice versa, I'm sure. We believe that we were separated at birth though we were born on two separate continents so the chance of that actually having happened is very slim.

Crazy shit always happens to us. We are constantly referring to each other as brilliant disasters. For instance, we've been to the ER over 10 times collectively over the last 3 1/2 months since we've known each other. This does not count the visits to urgent care or to the regular doctor. I'm not kidding with this. Our goal for each week is to manage to not be inside a hospital at some point. We've already failed for this week.

Anyway, this blog is to share with the masses (or really, my few friends that can't manage to get me to answer the phone) what occurs in our lives. I hope to entertain. Or really, I hope to just keep up with a regular writing schedule. We shall see.

I've uploaded a few blogs from the last few months to fill people in so far.

Seeing as the jew and I are moving in together in a few days, I can only imagine what we can get into. I'm very excited.