Monday, March 31, 2008

I don't care what you say anymore this is my life...

i may have previously mentioned that my kraut is in town. she was pretty much my best friend in lafayette. she's very awesome and i wouldn't trade her for the world (not even for a signed picture of the gypsy). i was supposed to hang out with her tonight with some of her other friends that also came for this conference. we had planned to go bowling. i got showered and dressed and everything. prepared to go out. another one of my friends came to pick me up (best to carpool and all). but first i had to stop by the jew's office to give her some cookies (seriously).

so i go in and give the jew her cookies, and as we're apt to do, we talked for probably longer than was socially acceptable in terms of making the other friend sit in the car.
that probably turned into a definitely seeing as when i arrived to get back to the car the car was no longer there. neither was the friend. she had left me.


by this point the kraut had already text messaged me to tell me she was beyond drunk and that they were heading to another bar. the other friend finally texted me to say she in fact did leave me (really? hadn't noticed), but was willing to come get me again anyway.

after much debate i declined. sitting in the jew's office i made a very important decision that may or may not affect my relationship with the kraut (or any of my other friends that i had prior to dc). the person they wanted to join them for an impromptu bar crawl isn't the person that i am anymore. i don't know when i changed. why. how. no clue. but i have. maybe change isn't the right word. i've grown. not necessarily up, but in many facets that's the case. i just can't be who they want me to be. or, rather, who they expect me to be.

so, what kind of person am i? what has my life become? what did i give up hanging out with that crowd for?

sitting in the jew's office for 1.5 hours and then going grocery shopping.

yep. that's the person i've become. the person that goes to the grocery store at 11pm. gets excited that cereal is buy one get one free (fruit loops for me, corn pops for the jew) that doritos are buy one get one free (that's a me/ruskie thing). and comes home.

and i'm okay with that. i truly am. granted most days, with these people, i feel slightly ridiculous but mostly all right. and i never wish i was ,or it was, something else.

This is a good life.
and it's not that I'm giving up my old life. my old friends. but that i'm taking what's laid out before me. and what i have now? well, you don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

Everything will come right if you only believe in The Gypsy*

the jew doesn't believe the gypsy (the real one) is real. she even said so:

me: the gypsy just walked by
me: with a suit case
me: i feared she'd see the door was open.
me: and come in.
jew: i'm not convinced there's actually a gypsy
me: hrmph on you for that one

so now it is my sole and utter purpose in life to get a picture of this gypsy. she's walked by twice in the last week and both times i haven't been quick enough to get the camera and get her.

in the vein of people that stalk the loch ness monster, and those that believe in big foot, so shall i believe in The Gypsy. and i will get this picture. by god, i will.

*title from The InkSpots' "Gypsy"

Sunday, March 30, 2008

well this is new...

the scene: a typical night at the house. nothing special going on. all of a sudden the jew starts laughing.

"tucker just jumped off the couch to play with the dog on tv."
"the commercial. he jumped off the couch for the dog on tv."

at which point she rewinds the commercial and sure enough he does it again. and then we rewind it again. and again, he does it. jumps off the couch, goes to the tv, and then LOOKS BEHIND THE TV for the dog on the commercial.

we continue to laugh at him. the jew was squealing with laughter, in fact. he starts barking at the tv and gets very upset when he can't find the dog in the house.

the ruskie goes and gets her camera so we can get video of this. but, alas, as soon as the camera comes out he starts to pose and doesn't react to when the we rewind the video once more.

he realized that the dog was not really in the house. either that, or he didn't want us to laugh at him anymore.

this would be a witty title if i wasn't still drunk...

it's 1016 hrs. that's 10:16 am for those not militarily inclined. i'm still drunk from last night.

my kraut is in town. she's my roommate from when i lived in the land of corn and soy (no milk and honey here, people). she's just about the most fun you can have with someone with your clothes on.

i had a lot to drink last night. a lot.i haven't had more than 2 since the last time my kraut was in town in october. so after not eating much food yesterday,the alcohol hit me pretty hard. i drank a lot though, so i'm not going to consider myself a lightweight. i calculated it all out. granted it was drunk calculation, but i'm never good with math so i figured the alcohol wouldn't affect me too much with the addition. this amount of alcohol is not recommended for anyone. ever.

40 oz of blueberry stoli & lemonade
24 oz of bicardi gold rum and diet caramel cream pepsi
24 oz of malibu coconut rum and diet coke
32 oz of malibu coconut rum and sugar free red bull
16 oz of malibu coconut rum and cranberry juice

that amounts to, well, a lot of alcohol. i think over a gallon.

what's the jew/ruskie connection in all this you may ask (or not)?

the jew came and picked me up from my drinking location after she finished playing g-d again. at like 3am. gets me in the car. listens to me babble. a lot. stopped me from making more drunk dial calls than i wanted to. gets me home. and proceeds to sit on the couch, take my heart rate (which she scarily enough knows my normal resting one, btw) and subjects herself to this:

"insert incoherent can't remember what i said, probably embarrassing question?"


"insert another incoherent babbling embarrassing can't remember question?"

pause. wash. rinse. repeat.

for a very long time.

until, finally:

"blahblahblahblahblah drunk rambling to a sleeping (or possibly pretending to be asleep, or possibly NO LONGER EVEN ON THE COUCH jew" (possibly a very important thing i said here, btw,but probably not.)
"you're the best, jew. my favorite."

and then i passed out.

i've said it a few times before and over the course of my life i will say it again, i know (probably because it's the one truth i hold as a finite one): i have the best jew for my person in the whole wide world. she really is my favorite. not just for putting up with me like that, but for putting up with me ever. she's my favorite of all time.

hands down.

so thank you, jew. you deserve a medal.

(i'm amazed i spelled this all correctly without having to spell check anything. i'm also amazed i didn't lose my pants last night. i rock.)

Friday, March 28, 2008

don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys (or antonio banderas)

i'm a little concerned. the ruskie keeps speaking about how she's going to steal the dog when she goes to houston. no matter how much i tell him all the reasons he shouldn't go to houston, i'm convinced that i'm going to come home one day and his bags (filled with balls and high heels) will be packed and he'll be thumbing (or dew clawing) his way across country with the ruskie (they could probably take her terrorist mobile though).

now, usually i wouldn't be so concerned seeing as the nights that i'm at work slaving away at the crime fighting, the jew is home protecting the dog from being hauled off to mess with texas.

however, tonight the jew is playing god overnight on some ambulance and i'll be off saving the world (not really) until 11pm. and then my kraut is coming and we're off to get pancakes & rum until probably 3am.

this leaves a prime opportunity for the ruskie to steal the dog!

i'm very concerned. very concerned indeed.

(his eyes aren't closed cause he's sleeping, they're closed because he really loves sombreros. which is why i'm so concerned!)

Thursday, March 27, 2008

i think the fever has gone to my head...

i'm home sick. fever. vomiting. chills. the whole works. i got bored. i couldn't help myself:

the jew. the ruskie. the gypsy.

oh, and there's a story behind the jew's clothes. boy, is there a story.

a very small price to pay, indeed.

sigh. it's that time of month where i get absolutely confused and the jew has to swoop in and save the day. yes, it's rent/utility time in this politically incorrect household. i can never seem to figure it all out. it's very complicated, and keep in mind that i'm a natural blonde not inclined towards numbers. some might think that it would be an easy process, everything split 3ways. but no. it's actually not that simple. there's a bunch of other behind the scenes deals and workings and whatnots.

no matter what i do, i can't make the numbers add up to exactly what the jew figures out. probably because she's way smarter than me.

i've decided to just kinda wait and be surprised at the end of the month when the jew and the ruskie put money into my account. and, really, i have the easy job of just writing one check. and, also, i think it's much easier to be surprised than to deal with the headache i give myself trying to balance it all out.

it'll be much easier once all the behind the scenes deals are all worked out and all that. but really, i figure it's a small price to pay considering without them here, headache and all, this house wouldn't be a home.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

houston is not worthy of a ruskie like ours.

so, the ruskie comes home (with a name tag on,!) first she makes the dog pee on the floor. and then when she makes him almost pee on the couch, i banished them both to the backyard.

but then i relented and they were allowed to stay in the house. then she realized she had a letter from the IRS. realized it was a letter telling her about her stimulus check:

"wait...they sent me a letter telling me about the stimulus check? WHAT A WASTE OF MONEY. why not send me the check? I FUCKING HATE THIS GOVERNMENT."
the ruskie has previous issues with the IRS, btw.

so then we start talking about our day. and i tell her about how the jew and i spent a good portion of our day sitting in the grass in the front yard enjoying this fine spring day. to which she replies:


oh, ruskie, when you go to houston, we will promptly go out there, knock you down, take you to an astros game, and then drag you back to this horrible horrible vapid cesspool of a metropolis to be our roommate forever just for moments like this.

Monday, March 24, 2008

another wasted night, the tucker steals the conversation...

somewhere under that 70lb dog is a 130lb jew.

how do we get back the last hour of our lives?

um. yeah. here's the scene: me. jew. the tombs restaurant. at the bar. enjoying the fine cuisine of grilled cheese & cream of asparagus soup (yes, it was actually good). speaking about the fine quality of george clooney's...well, everything. when, all of sudden, out of nowhere this old guy next to me starts talking:

man: "i know you're both too young for me to buy you a drink."
::exchange of annoyed/bemused look between me and the jew::
::awkward "don't talk to me" laughter on my part.::

man:"i forget about that age limit, you know. it's a good thing though."
me: "yep"
man: " should drink everyday. not in excess. not all day. but two drinks. that's the difference between an alcoholic and anyone else, you know."
::points at the jew, she agrees::
man: "okay, i'll stop bothering you now."

i specifically turn myself around in my barstool and face the jew, thus by signifying our ending of the conversation with the old man.

jew: "where were we?"
me: "george clooney is hot"
man:"let me tell you something...."

because we're polite we listen about how he's a good tipper. his barber. his lady friend. where he buys his christmas toys for children (not related, btw, which totally piqued my perv radar). the hoyas losing. then he stops.

man: "okay, i'm done bothering you. you can continue"

i just smile. the jew continues to eat.

me: "george clooney's back on."
jew: "it's amazing to me how he can just be put on any channel and talk about anything...they could probably put him on animal planet and he'd talk about his hog or..."
man, interrupting: "you know what i'm going to do?"
me, slightly annoyed, but polite none-the-less: "what's that?"
man: "i'm going to...whatever you're having...i'm buying your meal today."
me & the the jew, in unison: "oh, no, we couldn't...but thank you, really."
man: "why not? you're young. you don't have any money. i'm not asking for anything."
me: "no really, but thank you. we just...thank you, but no."
man: "you know...that shows that you're classy. you don't know me. you don't know who i am. many girls would just take it without thinking. that's classy of you two."

as he's speaking i slip my credit card over to erik, the awesome cute bartender. erik comes back with the bill. tells me he'll take it whenever i'm ready.

man: "don't interrupt me!"

then he asks what year in college we are. we say we're not in school. he asks what we do. keep in mind i'm wearing a POLICE raid jacket. i tell him. he says he would have never guessed it. the jew has her "really? really?!" look that she does.

the bartender somehow saves the jew a little bit by talking to her about the hoyas sucktastic fall on sunday. i, of course, continue to be spoken to by the old man. i've checked out mentally 10 minutes prior. the old man continues. he's talking about clucking chicks or something. i dunno.

i take my phone, and not-so-discreetly, text the jew "wtf?"

she not-so-discreetly texts: "i know. shall we bolt?"

to which i turn my head to her and nod very slightly.

and, in keeping with her usual technique, she busts out the blackberry, shows me a very random email.

"we need to take care of this...NOW."

to which i kindly say goodbye to the man. he shakes our hand. comments on my firm grip and we make our exit.

and, just like the edward situation, as soon as we're free....

"WTF?!" laughter.

jew: "it's a good thing we didn't have anything we wanted or needed to talk about."
me: "um...i think i did...i just don't remember now!"
me: "the ruskie isn't going to believe this when we tell her."

get home. IM the ruskie. her response?

"wait you didnt even get the benefit of a drink??"

sigh. after having to listen to him yammer on for as long as we did, i could've used one.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

I get by with a little help from my friends...

it's been a rough few days for this gypsy. i won't get into it, but trust me. i have a few more rough ones ahead. however, i'm lucky that i live with the best jew and the best ruskie on the planet.

i come home (early) from work today. enter the house. there sits the jew on the floor putting together furniture. there sits the ruskie on the couch doing...well, ruskie things. there sits the dog with a new toy. a pink toy. a neon pink HIGH HEEL toy. i shit you not.

"don't you dare ever give me shit about the pink bone again."
"totally the response we were expecting"

nothing but laughter. totally needed.

flash forward an hour to this (and, yeah that is a head lamp):

the jew? in a closet? with power tools? i can't make this shit up. priceless.

very much needed ladies.

very much appreciated.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

no one else will travel through the shadows with me....

i've said it before and i'll say it again. i've got the best jew of all the jews in all the land as my person.

even when she doesn't think she knows what to say, she says the right thing. even when she doesn't think she's doing much, it comes across as everything.

in my weakest of moments she's always good for a small smile. a big laugh. a sarcastic comment. a kick in the ass. a strong hug. and impossibly vast quantities of understanding.

she'll watch me out of the corner of her eye. not saying anything. not needing to. i know she's there if i need her. and when i finally get the courage and ability to admit that i do, she'll say everything i need to hear and mean it. she'll say everything i'm too afraid to voice and knows it. she'll be everything and nothing all at the same time.

it's appreciated more than i can or ever will be able to express.

Friday, March 21, 2008

laugh like you will fall apart...

i don't think i've ever seen the jew laugh so hard ever. ever. i thought she was going to die. or pee her pants. thankfully, neither happened.

why was she laughing? cause of monster dog. yes, the dog is a monster. and last night he was particularly rambunctious. he was convinced there was something between the couch. he dug. he clobbered. he cried. he drooled. after viewing his convictions i was then convinced that there wasn't anything between the couch. so then i went a'searchin'. alas, i found fuzz. yes, fuzz. the little white fluffy crap from inside of a pillow. that's what he was looking for. it took like 10 minutes for him to settle down. the jew took pictures.

and after the week we've had, it was a much needed laugh on both our parts, i believe. maybe monster dog wasn't being a monster. maybe he was just trying to help us.

the jew, she speaks!

the jew officially has posting privileges....

this should be fun.
there's always tomorrow.

it's a mad mad mad mad world.

um, yeah. apparently it's basketball season? something about march? madness? i apparently am just about the worst lesbian on the planet for not following sports. however, that doesn't stop our house from having a few games going simultaneously. there's also screaming. and cursing. and something about cinderella?

let me paint the scene for you: couch. jew. computer. game on the computer. tv. game on the tv. remote. constant flipping.

there's a lot of talking on behalf of the jew. sometimes i don't know if she's talking to herself or to the dog or to me or to the people on the tv THAT CAN'T HEAR HER. or if they could, they probably wouldn't listen anyway. although, if history proves anything, when the jew speaks people listen. there is wrath involved in the process if not. there's a look. it makes me scared. so maybe they would be listening if they could hear her, but again, THEY'RE ON THE TV.

i wasn't going to blog about this. i really wasn't. i was going to let the jew do her thing with no written commentary for the masses (read: not masses) to see. but alas, the jew had to go and egg me on:

:::me typing:::
"are you blogging about me?"
"no....but now that you mention it...."
"jesus christ."

but, please keep this in mind...if you ever have an addiction, i will not be the friend to get you help. no, i will be the friend that will totally pack you up, take you to the atm, spot you a $20, and take you to shorty on the corner for your fix. why do i say this? because i offered to allow the jew to not only borrow my computer so she can stream another game, but also to allow (and of course help) her move all the tvs in the house into the living room for the most prime madness experience.

thankfully, she declined.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

the jew, she has returned

picked the jew up at the airport. me in my POLICE raid jacket, her in her EMT hat. quite the pair, i must say.

"we've been invited to miami...did i tell you this?"
"you mentioned something about it but i couldn't really hear you."
"um, yeah. my aunt invited me and my "roommate" to miami....i think she thinks we're a couple."
"everyone already does."

and then...

"i have to build up my tolerance for next weekend" (me explaining why all i want to "eat" is alcohol)
"what's next weekend?"
"katy's coming."
"oh, right."
"you coming out with us?"
"um, no."
"you suck."
"this is me. taking a stand. me taking a stand! to show that i'm not your significant other...that i don't have to go everywhere you go out of support."
"um, still suck."

better than prozac...

the jew comes home tomorrow. which is a good thing. because i really don't know how much more whining and staring out the window me and the ruskie could take from the dog.

in other news, i came home from work tonight to a completely dark house (around 11:15). i thought to myself "damn, the ruskie went to bed early tonight" and went about being as quiet as i could in the pitch black house. i didn't want to wake her, after all. at least not on the chance that she's anything like the jew when awoken from slumber.

which apparently would have never been an issue, seeing as at 12:23 am she walked in the front door asking "dude, why's it so dark in here?"

um, yeah, her and i are aren't as simpatico as me and the jew. what can i say?

Thursday, March 13, 2008

in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me*

this post isn't going to be witty or sarcastic. i'm just warning you. i also don't know where i'm going with it or what the point is. i just know it's all inside me right now and i can't stop twirling the thoughts around.

at first i wasn't sure if i should write about this. and if i'm out of line, i'll take it down immediately. but i write about every other thing that goes on in our house, so this may be okay. i'm not sure. after today, there's a lot of things i'm not sure about.

laura's grandfather passed away today. she found out at noon. she called me less than 3 minutes later. just last night we were talking about how i always know something important has happened when i see her name on the actual "call" list of my phone. most of our conversations, if you can call them that, take place over text or AIM. i was outside when i heard my phone ring. the special tone i have just for her. i knew before i even answered it what was wrong. i don't know how. at the first sound of the too small for her, shaky voice it was confirmed. i didn't even ask what had happened at first. i didn't need to. that's how close we are. hearing her actually saying the words, her voice cracking half way through it, was like having a piece of my own self breaking slightly.

she's the strongest person i've ever met. hands down. always cool and collected, even when not calm. and when she's not, she fakes it. really well. she's my person. the person i call when i find out...well, pretty much anything. important or unimportant, she's my go to person. so when she calls, i pretty much have no choice but be her person too. i wouldn't have it any other way.

she asked me to pick her up in 30 minutes. i was there within 15.

the thing about us, is that we're exactly alike in so many ways. we don't let people take care of us. we don't often admit that we need help. it's like pulling teeth to get us to admit that we're not okay. so we allow each other the space and distance to do what needs to be done while the other silently stands by and waits for whatever the other may need. it's this brilliant dance we've unfortunately gotten down to a science. we push each other ever so slightly, not to the breaking point, but to the point where we know it's okay to be broken. even for one moment. it's okay. it's safe.

as soon as i saw her all i wanted to do was take the pain away. i wanted to fix it. make it better. it's what i do. but i couldn't change this. no matter how much i desperately wanted to, i couldn't take her pain from her. if i could have, i would have. i would have taken every last bit of it, made it mine, just so she wouldn't have to experience it. i did the only thing i could do. i gave her a hug. it's another thing i'm really good at. i feel like if she could have collapsed right there in the middle of the street she would have. and i would have caught her. but she didn't.

my auntie margie once told me that you can have no relationship (friendship or otherwise) without reciprocity. not just "you do for me, i do for you", but the true sense of emotional reciprocity. your pain is my pain. your tears are my tears. and while i may not know exactly what you're feeling, i care enough to want to make it mine, even for a moment, to allow you to smile, even in the slightest. i never experienced that until today. auntie margie told me that when i realized that as a truth in my life, i would know what it means to truly feel. to truly care. and i would need to examine the person that made me feel this very closely to make sure i understand why they mean so much.

this is where i get a little confused.

like i said, she's the strongest person i know. today was no different. she held strong as much as she could. only allowing very few moments of vulnerability showing. most probably wouldn't have even noticed it in her. if we were the type of friends that did these things, i would have let her curl up next to me just so she didn't feel so alone. but that's not the kind of friends we are and i've leaned to be the strong silent presence from her. it apparently worked. before her flight took off, taking her towards what i know is going to be a very difficult week, she texted me to thank me for being there for her today.

my response? no need to thank me. whenever she needs me, i'll be there. guaranteed ( a promise i've never made to anyone).

i can't honestly say that that's just because she's my person.

* title taken from e.e.cummings.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

oh, this explains it...

we were bored. we googled.

" Cancer wants to understand every nuance of Taurus' personality and will make Taurus feel like the most important thing in his/her life...and expects to receive the same back! Both of these people are very strong in the domestic impulses category and they will put much time and effort into their home and children...This relationship can and will improve with age and hard work, as these are such different personalities, and in many ways ones strength supports the others weakness...A match made in Heaven."*

*from the astrological compatibility website.

our living situation/relationship creates these kinds of questions for us...

"it says that you? are you my cohabitant?"

"what are you talking about?"

"my SF86* asks 'spouse, dependents, cohabitants'...are you my cohabitant?"

"i dunno...have we gotten to that point? my friends do call you my straight domestic partner...cohabitant? i don't know what they're asking."

"me neither. what do you think it means?"

"i dunno.maybe it's like, ya know, the politically correct version of asking if you're would be better tax benefits...."

"hmmm. i dunno."

still not sure how she ended up filling it out. hopefully it was the correct way, whichever she put down.

we don't want the federal government thinking we're gettin' it on too. (we're not)

*sf86 is the federal background check paperwork

Monday, March 10, 2008

3 women and a baby....

after a night of painfully cute domesticity, the baby has left our abode. the ruskie spent the night in the dining room hiding from the cuteness. i'm not sure if she couldn't handle the child or the jew and i co-parenting one. it's probably a mixture of the both. although, the ruskie does like miniature things, apparently a mini-person does not qualify.

i must say, we done real good with it.

first we played with the thing. we built block houses and put all our toys in the house. the jew fixed his broken train and he fell in love with her. (side note: the jew just snorted. i'm not sure what she was laughing about. whatever it was, was apparently snort worthy.)

dinner time was totally not note worthy. peanut butter sandwiches all around. and, yes, this probably would've been our dinner even if the child hadn't been here.

after not very much effort we were able to get the child bathed. apparently he bathes himself. whodda thunk it? he kept stealing the plastic cups we were trying to use. i ended up in the bathtub with him (fully clothed) praying that the jew didn't get a mean streak and push me in fully (she didn't--though she did contemplate it).

after the bath came reading and snuggle time. reading does not consist of actual words being read off of pages as so much as it consists of the child pointing at pictures and giving the animals on the pages kisses. too cute. also, it consists of the munchkin taking his oh-so-adorable-and-soft fingers and "picking" the grass off the pictures to pass around to us. at one point he was "feeding" my boob imaginary grass. turns out he was actually "feeding" the shark logo on my sweatshirt imaginary grass. still too cute.

while the child is obviously old enough to give himself baths, he is still young enough to curl up on my chest/stomach and fall asleep. which he did after playing with my fingers for about a half hour.

at 0745 i was promptly woken up with a poke in my cheek and a "WAKE UP" screamed into my face by the little monster (not so cute this early in the morning). he was awake with a vengeance.

downstairs he bid adieu to the jew when she announced that she was leaving for work. it was a very leave it to beaver type of moment, i must say. sickeningly domestic. the ruskie left for work and all the child could ask when she left was "where's katz?" (that's his name for the jew...i couldn't teach him to be offensive this early in life).

3 minutes later he looks at me and says "where's katz?" and then went a'huntin' for her. when he realized she was not under the table, in the bathroom, or somehow hiding under his t-shirt he asked where she was again. at this point we had no other choice but to go to her work and, again, be obnoxiously domestic.

we did a lot of other things during the day, the monster and i. oh, and his mother and other aunt were around and what not. but the best was at the end when he knew he was leaving:

he goes to the jew's bedroom door, stares at it, goes up to it, kisses it, and whispers "bye, katz." it was the one place he didn't look all day and he thought she was hiding from him.

the cuteness and adorableness and domesticity of it all makes my ovaries hurt. after only 24 hours with the thing, i want one. the jew says i can't get one though. not fair, jew, not fair. (the ruskie, however, is very thankful the jew is standing firm on this, i'm sure.)

Sunday, March 9, 2008

there's a baby in our house.

for real.

we're trying to not kill it. so far, so good.

we've fed it. we've changed it. we've played with it. soon we will bathe it. and maybe it will sleep.

teamwork, baby, teamwork.

Monday, March 3, 2008

co-parenting and co--something.

i could do a full blog about the conversation the jew and i just had, but out of pure laziness i'm just copying and pasting:

gypsy: omg, the back door just slammed closed because of the wind and tucker jumped, then came over and got on my lap and is shaking
gypsy : he's that scared.
jew : awww
gypsy : he's such a wuss!
gypsy : [the ruskie] says he needs to "man up"
jew: i'm trying to get him to but you keep giving him pink things
jew: i feed him steak
jew: and you give him a pink bone
jew: there's only so much one can do!
gypsy : so now we're co-parenting?
gypsy : dogs can't tell color anyway
jew: lol
jew: i do take care of him the nights you work
jew: i feed him
jew: take him out
gypsy : i know
jew: ;-)
gypsy : i'm very much aware of this
jew: i discipline him
gypsy : you're a good mommy too
jew: and what thanks do i get
jew: hehe
gypsy : omg
gypsy : i put a hot meal on the table
jew: i had to take that opening
gypsy : when you come home, don't i?
gypsy : :-)
jew: very true
jew: we both work
jew: i guess in order to pay the bills
gypsy : yeah
jew: we'll have to respect the work we each do
gypsy : you take out the trash
jew: i do
jew: and bbq
gypsy : true
jew: since you're scared of the grill
gypsy : i am
gypsy : dude, i don't care what we both think, when we lay it out like this...
gypsy : we're totally a couple.
jew: that's the fun

i just....can someone please explain this to me?

Sunday, March 2, 2008

we could be gayer if we tried...or could we?

"i feel so domestic" the jew said through the kitchen window to me. she was on the deck bbq-ing and i was in the kitchen prepping.

"what?" the ruskie asked as she walked by with her laundry.

"we feel domestic." i responded.

the ruskie gave me that "whatever, two are way too close" look that she gives us. regularly.

now, this cooking/bbq-ing event extraordinaire (i had to google to figure out how to spell that...and even now i'm not sure) comes after the jew and i went to bed bath and beyond. which is by far the gayest place to be on a sunday afternoon (not even home depot can rival it). as soon as we walk in we both get that "oh my god, this is so gay of us" feeling/look. we've tried to make it seem like we're not a couple (we aren't, btw). but as soon as we walk in one of us inevitably says "do we need anything for the kitchen?" and the other says "no, i think we're good....but we do need _________." and inevitably there is one person (usually another gay, or an employee) that will overhear this conversation and give me that "awww, young love" look. and it will make me cringe in a way that i can't even explain.

(i just realized i'm slightly intoxicated...totally non-sequitor, i know. blame the rum)

so after the big gay outing to bb&b, we venture over to harris teeter for grocery shopping. we even managed to get 2 separate hand baskets. we went separate ways. gathered separate items. and converged in the meat aisle. at which point i asked "what do you want for dinner" and i got "i dunno, you're the one cooking." and so we stood there amongst all chicken, fish, pork, and beef the place had to offer and started discussing the pros/cons of our meat choices for the evening. i don't know if the jew noticed, but this old lady (overly tanned & perfumed) walked by and gave us that look. that look. the one that says "ugh, dykes." that's when i went to go get bread and left the jew to figure out the meat situation. of course we ended up with one shopping car and the hand baskets went the wayside.

so, the jew goes to stand in line while i go gather up a few errant items. when i return she says that someone came up behind her and hugged her (she knew who it was after the fact, btw). but for a very split second her though process was "that's not what the gypsy's wearing" as if i just decided, right there at the checkout line of harris teeter, register 5, that i was going to cross every boundary line set forth in the "living with a straight girl" rule book (i created it) and accost her in front of god and everybody.

whatever jew, not even i can be that gay with you :)

i'll have a little jesus christ with my ice cubes, please

i woke up yesterday morning to find the jew sitting at the kitchen table looking very perplexed. what happened, jew? i would have asked if she didn't immediately say "you missed the jehovah witnesses."

now, me and the ruskie grew up in good ol' california where saturday mornings are spent solely hiding out from these witnesses. they knock on your door and mom screams "husssssssh....don't let them know we're home." even the "no soliciting" signs won't detract them. as such, if they had rang our little door bell when one of us had been in the area we would have known to not respond.

the jew, she did not know this. she answered the door. and still, she didn't know what or who they were. apparently, after engaging them in conversation she was handed a pamphlet and was asked if she was prepared to accept jesus christ as her lord and savior. being jewish and all, the jew did not know how to respond. she took the pamphlet. they went on their way (they're much less persistent than those damn mormons--have i got a story on that one).

even however many minutes after they left she continued to wear that "wtf?" look that she has clearly perfected over the years (the ruskie and i have them too, but usually in reference specifically to the jew).

on our freezer door now sits a pamphlet asking us when we're ready to accept jesus christ as our personal lord and savior. it sits above the magnetic white board we have to write notes on (in case the constant IMing, texting, and oh, living together doesn't afford us enough communication). on the board it says "in case anyone is interested :)" written by the jew. not one to be out done, i had to respond:


what? we were all going to hell before they came a'knockin....