this post isn't going to be witty or sarcastic. i'm just warning you. i also don't know where i'm going with it or what the point is. i just know it's all inside me right now and i can't stop twirling the thoughts around.
at first i wasn't sure if i should write about this. and if i'm out of line, i'll take it down immediately. but i write about every other thing that goes on in our house, so this may be okay. i'm not sure. after today, there's a lot of things i'm not sure about.
laura's grandfather passed away today. she found out at noon. she called me less than 3 minutes later. just last night we were talking about how i always know something important has happened when i see her name on the actual "call" list of my phone. most of our conversations, if you can call them that, take place over text or AIM. i was outside when i heard my phone ring. the special tone i have just for her. i knew before i even answered it what was wrong. i don't know how. at the first sound of the too small for her, shaky voice it was confirmed. i didn't even ask what had happened at first. i didn't need to. that's how close we are. hearing her actually saying the words, her voice cracking half way through it, was like having a piece of my own self breaking slightly.
she's the strongest person i've ever met. hands down. always cool and collected, even when not calm. and when she's not, she fakes it. really well. she's my person. the person i call when i find out...well, pretty much anything. important or unimportant, she's my go to person. so when she calls, i pretty much have no choice but be her person too. i wouldn't have it any other way.
she asked me to pick her up in 30 minutes. i was there within 15.
the thing about us, is that we're exactly alike in so many ways. we don't let people take care of us. we don't often admit that we need help. it's like pulling teeth to get us to admit that we're not okay. so we allow each other the space and distance to do what needs to be done while the other silently stands by and waits for whatever the other may need. it's this brilliant dance we've unfortunately gotten down to a science. we push each other ever so slightly, not to the breaking point, but to the point where we know it's okay to be broken. even for one moment. it's okay. it's safe.
as soon as i saw her all i wanted to do was take the pain away. i wanted to fix it. make it better. it's what i do. but i couldn't change this. no matter how much i desperately wanted to, i couldn't take her pain from her. if i could have, i would have. i would have taken every last bit of it, made it mine, just so she wouldn't have to experience it. i did the only thing i could do. i gave her a hug. it's another thing i'm really good at. i feel like if she could have collapsed right there in the middle of the street she would have. and i would have caught her. but she didn't.
my auntie margie once told me that you can have no relationship (friendship or otherwise) without reciprocity. not just "you do for me, i do for you", but the true sense of emotional reciprocity. your pain is my pain. your tears are my tears. and while i may not know exactly what you're feeling, i care enough to want to make it mine, even for a moment, to allow you to smile, even in the slightest. i never experienced that until today. auntie margie told me that when i realized that as a truth in my life, i would know what it means to truly feel. to truly care. and i would need to examine the person that made me feel this very closely to make sure i understand why they mean so much.
this is where i get a little confused.
like i said, she's the strongest person i know. today was no different. she held strong as much as she could. only allowing very few moments of vulnerability showing. most probably wouldn't have even noticed it in her. if we were the type of friends that did these things, i would have let her curl up next to me just so she didn't feel so alone. but that's not the kind of friends we are and i've leaned to be the strong silent presence from her. it apparently worked. before her flight took off, taking her towards what i know is going to be a very difficult week, she texted me to thank me for being there for her today.
my response? no need to thank me. whenever she needs me, i'll be there. guaranteed ( a promise i've never made to anyone).
i can't honestly say that that's just because she's my person.
* title taken from e.e.cummings.
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