last night me, the jew, and my two partners from work went out to dinner after a damn-worthy long day. here's the scene: we're at a bbq place. there's drinks. on one side of the table is my younger partner and the jew. other side is me and my older partner. my older partner is from the virgin islands. he's 59 years old and has been a cop his whole life. he's very set in his ways. so.
the jew showed up after the 3 of us have already gotten, and toasted, our drinks. now she has hers. she picks up her beer and then gets this slightly panicked look. anyone that knows the jew knows she absolutely cannot take a sip of an alcoholic beverage without toasting first. so i raise my glass and tap hers and all is well. we explain to the guys why she had to toast and then we decide, what the hell, we'll do another toast:
the jew: "L'shanah tovah!"
old partner: "what is that? ....is that jew?"
younger partner/me: "oh my god. you did not just ask that..."
old partner: "what?!...i don't know....what does it mean"
the jew (laughing): "it's hebrew. i don't know what it means...um...it means 'to life'."
this is where i wanted to step in and say "no, no it does not mean that." but i figured since i'm not jewish, i probably shouldn't correct the one at the table that is (even though during chanukkah i was the one that had to tell her which direction to light the candles.)
old partner: "when do you celebrate easter?"
the jew: "we don't believe in jesus...well...we believe he was a man..."
old partner: :::looks so confused:::
the jew: "we don't follow the...which testament?"
me: "the new one."
the jew: "right! we don't follow the new testament."
old partner: "but they had this event in the formal lounge at easter and there were jews there and i couldn't understand any of it. not even the writing when they showed it to me."
the jew: "that's purim. it was in hebrew. it was for passover."
old partner: "oh. ok. i didn't know."
me/young partner: "oh my god."
so after dinner we go home and the jew looks up the actual meaning of 'L'shanah tovah'. which is: to a good year. l'chaim means 'to life'.
so not only does my partner not speak 'jew', apparently the jew doesn't either. :)
(i'm aware that i'm pretty politically incorrect/offensive at most opportunities on this blog, but it's in a total tongue-in-cheek way. i by no means approve of or accept my partner's ignorance.)
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Sunday, April 27, 2008
congrats, jew
it's official...after months of stressful classes, open wounds in the ER, and playing G-D on ambulances, the jew is officially an EMT-B as certified in the District of Columbia, our nation's capital.as such, this means that i can be as reckless with my physical safety as possible because she'll be there to take care of me. (not that i'm ever really mindful of my physical safety)
but anyway, congratulations , jew. you're officially a super GERM (whether you ride with them or not is irrelevant to me).
try not to kill anyone, ok? :)
the social experiment
i got the jew to join my GLBT(qsakdfsgsg) softball league. i personally am now going to enjoy this season much more than i was planning on. 1: i get to play some ball. b: the jew will be there (always good times). and 3: the jew + lesbian softball team = a great amount of awkward nerves on the jews part = unbelievable amount of hilarity for me. it's kinda like my own social experiment.
so, today was our first outing (no pun intended). prior to me & the jew leaving the house the ruskie and i had a conversation about how one of the team members had seen a picture of the jew on my facebook (or myspace) and thought she was crazy hot and how i was going to have to spend all season beating the lesbians back from the jew (in that ridiculous alpha male way that i protect her).
as we walked out the door:
the ruskie (from the dining room, of course): "take care of her."
me: "what?"
the ruskie: "take care of her." :::ruskie look/smile::
me: "haha, i'll do my best."
the jew (from the front porch): "what?"
me: "nothing."
the jew: "no, tell me...what?"
me: "nothing...a gay thing..."
the jew: :::sigh:::
of course, we get lost en route to the field which was way the fuck out in no-mans land (again, no pun intended):
the jew: "STRAIGHT PEOPLE WOULD NEVER DO THIS!"
me: "do what?"
the jew: "pick a field way the fuck out here...we'd just play on The Mall."
me: "i....i have no response to that."
finally finding the general area of the field:
the jew: "is this it?"
me: "just look for the SUV's, trucks, cargo shorts, & mullets."
the jew: :::the look:::
me: :::points to all the trucks/SUV's and the women on the field with cargo shorts:::
the jew: :::sigh:::
arriving 45 minutes late for the start time:
the jew: "are they seriously not even playing yet?"
me: "eh, they're dykes...we don't do anything on time...i told you i wasn't worried."
the jew: "i don't understand you people!"
me: "yeah, you being here is kinda like a great social experiment for me."
on not being able to actually hit the ball:
me to team member: "it's the straightest thing about her."
random team member: "wait....she's straight?!"
me: "yeah...shocking, isn't it?"
team member: "completely."
getting invited to "fight night":
random lesbian: "yeah, it's oscar de la hoya's fight."
the jew (or at least what she wanted to say): "HE'S HOT!"
the jew (what she actually did say): "oh, who's he fighting?"
random lesbian: "don't know...we just get together for the beer."
(i'd like to point out that, as our teams resident "femmey-ish member", i did not give a rats ass who was fighting, that there was a fight, or that there would be beer. i only was concerned that the humidity was wreaking havoc on my curly hair.)
on me being named as one of the captains of the team:
me: "norma can be the mean one...i'll be the nice one...i'll bring the hugs and cookies."
the jew: "...did...did you just say hugs and cookies?"
me: "there's a whole side of me you haven't seen before!"
the jew: "well, i've seen the cookie side."
me: "i can hug...i just won't hug you."
the jew: "we can high five...or bump elbows!"
me: "even that may be pushing the physical limits of our friendship....we can do "knuckles"."
the jew: "yeah!"
arriving home:
me: "it was interesting to see you outside your element....i know i get completely different around the lesbians."
the jew: "you do...you get more withdrawn."
me: "nah, that was just because i wanted to win and we weren't...normally i get really friendly and nice...more open...you got better as the game progressed...i think you need to start your own blog about this..."
the jew: "yeah...it's very interesting to me...after today though i need another night with [the boy]!"
and finally (not softball related though):
the jew: "i find it funny when people say they read the blog but still believe we're a couple."
me (what i wanted to say): "it's the underlying tone of it all."
me (what i actually said because i was .3 seconds away from falling asleep): ":::mumble mumble mumble sigh:::
all in all, this should be a very very interesting season. and, of course, i will keep you updated. (i had to end this post abruptly...gotta actually do some real cop work every now and then, ya know.)
so, today was our first outing (no pun intended). prior to me & the jew leaving the house the ruskie and i had a conversation about how one of the team members had seen a picture of the jew on my facebook (or myspace) and thought she was crazy hot and how i was going to have to spend all season beating the lesbians back from the jew (in that ridiculous alpha male way that i protect her).
as we walked out the door:
the ruskie (from the dining room, of course): "take care of her."
me: "what?"
the ruskie: "take care of her." :::ruskie look/smile::
me: "haha, i'll do my best."
the jew (from the front porch): "what?"
me: "nothing."
the jew: "no, tell me...what?"
me: "nothing...a gay thing..."
the jew: :::sigh:::
of course, we get lost en route to the field which was way the fuck out in no-mans land (again, no pun intended):
the jew: "STRAIGHT PEOPLE WOULD NEVER DO THIS!"
me: "do what?"
the jew: "pick a field way the fuck out here...we'd just play on The Mall."
me: "i....i have no response to that."
finally finding the general area of the field:
the jew: "is this it?"
me: "just look for the SUV's, trucks, cargo shorts, & mullets."
the jew: :::the look:::
me: :::points to all the trucks/SUV's and the women on the field with cargo shorts:::
the jew: :::sigh:::
arriving 45 minutes late for the start time:
the jew: "are they seriously not even playing yet?"
me: "eh, they're dykes...we don't do anything on time...i told you i wasn't worried."
the jew: "i don't understand you people!"
me: "yeah, you being here is kinda like a great social experiment for me."
on not being able to actually hit the ball:
me to team member: "it's the straightest thing about her."
random team member: "wait....she's straight?!"
me: "yeah...shocking, isn't it?"
team member: "completely."
getting invited to "fight night":
random lesbian: "yeah, it's oscar de la hoya's fight."
the jew (or at least what she wanted to say): "HE'S HOT!"
the jew (what she actually did say): "oh, who's he fighting?"
random lesbian: "don't know...we just get together for the beer."
(i'd like to point out that, as our teams resident "femmey-ish member", i did not give a rats ass who was fighting, that there was a fight, or that there would be beer. i only was concerned that the humidity was wreaking havoc on my curly hair.)
on me being named as one of the captains of the team:
me: "norma can be the mean one...i'll be the nice one...i'll bring the hugs and cookies."
the jew: "...did...did you just say hugs and cookies?"
me: "there's a whole side of me you haven't seen before!"
the jew: "well, i've seen the cookie side."
me: "i can hug...i just won't hug you."
the jew: "we can high five...or bump elbows!"
me: "even that may be pushing the physical limits of our friendship....we can do "knuckles"."
the jew: "yeah!"
arriving home:
me: "it was interesting to see you outside your element....i know i get completely different around the lesbians."
the jew: "you do...you get more withdrawn."
me: "nah, that was just because i wanted to win and we weren't...normally i get really friendly and nice...more open...you got better as the game progressed...i think you need to start your own blog about this..."
the jew: "yeah...it's very interesting to me...after today though i need another night with [the boy]!"
and finally (not softball related though):
the jew: "i find it funny when people say they read the blog but still believe we're a couple."
me (what i wanted to say): "it's the underlying tone of it all."
me (what i actually said because i was .3 seconds away from falling asleep): ":::mumble mumble mumble sigh:::
all in all, this should be a very very interesting season. and, of course, i will keep you updated. (i had to end this post abruptly...gotta actually do some real cop work every now and then, ya know.)
Saturday, April 26, 2008
give me a toaster oven, people.
the jew is officially batting for my team now ;-)
i always knew i could get her...
(softball, people, softball)
i always knew i could get her...
(softball, people, softball)
Friday, April 25, 2008
"family" time at GUday
after the vet appt (which we're awaiting test results on), the little man and i went to go visit the jew at work. today is GUday at g'town. it's the free carnival of the year. it's kinda all sorts of awesome if you don't mind the fact that there are students there.
the jew, the tuck, and i start walking up from the jews office to where the carnival is and of course we run into our boss. the big head boss guy. and his wife. and their dog. after a few moments of conversation where we exchanged dog names, met the wife, talked about our respective furry relatives, we part ways. as soon as we're out of ear shot the jew says exactly what i was thinking: "well, that had all the potential to be awkward...and was."
totally. it's bad enough when people see the two of us together on campus. the rumors go wild immediately. however, with the dog added in the mix? really, there's only so many times we can look like a couple/family in front of these people and expect them to believe us when we insist that we're not. the jew is lucky, she gets to be a little more removed from the front lines of the wildfire of rumors. I, on the other hand, have to go to work tonight and deal with the ribbing from the guys. (and, again, there's only so much i can take of "she's so hot!!")
the dog, however, is extremely happy that he got to spend time out with his family and is now totally passed out on the couch (well, half on/half off). and, in the end, all the awkward situations we get ourselves into are well worth it if the little guy is content.
the jew, the tuck, and i start walking up from the jews office to where the carnival is and of course we run into our boss. the big head boss guy. and his wife. and their dog. after a few moments of conversation where we exchanged dog names, met the wife, talked about our respective furry relatives, we part ways. as soon as we're out of ear shot the jew says exactly what i was thinking: "well, that had all the potential to be awkward...and was."
totally. it's bad enough when people see the two of us together on campus. the rumors go wild immediately. however, with the dog added in the mix? really, there's only so many times we can look like a couple/family in front of these people and expect them to believe us when we insist that we're not. the jew is lucky, she gets to be a little more removed from the front lines of the wildfire of rumors. I, on the other hand, have to go to work tonight and deal with the ribbing from the guys. (and, again, there's only so much i can take of "she's so hot!!")
the dog, however, is extremely happy that he got to spend time out with his family and is now totally passed out on the couch (well, half on/half off). and, in the end, all the awkward situations we get ourselves into are well worth it if the little guy is content.
our little guy.
i'm currently sitting in the vets office waiting for our little guy to go through some major tests (read: major $). only in dupont could they have internet available to the nervous waiting parents of sick and infirmed animals.
we don't know what's wrong with our little guy. he's been kinda run down lately (well, by tucker standards at least). his breathing is a little scary at times. he randomly vomits at all hours of the day. he has massive spasms while sleeping (they may be dream spasms, though). he barks for no apparent reason. he's just not a-ok like usual.
so here i am in the waiting area. waiting. waiting some more. his appointment was at 1300 hrs. it's now 1345. he's in with the doctor. he doesn't like this doctor very much. his old doctor in lafayette was not only the best in town, but the hottest lesbian too. all the dykes took their animals to her because 1) she was the best and b) again, she was smokin' hot. while tuck may not like his new doctor 100%, i at least am able to talk to this one without stammering (really hot girls used to make me nervous).
at tucker's old vet office they had this white 3-legged cat. he was totally in love with this cat. he'd stand up and put his paws on the counter and let the cat lick his paws. it was adorably cute. when tuck had to stay overnight at the vets once, they let the cat sleep next to tuckers cage so tuck wouldn't be scared. they also gave tucker lots of treats and made him feel really special. here? i'm not so sure about. although they do seem to know what they're doing.
we went to visit the jew prior to our vet appointment today. she came out to the car and said hi to the little guy. over the roof of the car i said "what if i have to put him to sleep?" she got this look on her face that i can't explain. anyone that knows the jew knows the look i'm talking about. she squints her eyes, opens & closes her mouth a few times trying to find the words she's looking for, looks to the left, looks down, shakes her head slightly. repeats the process. after a moment she stopped, squinted again, looked me in the eyes and said:
"[the ruskie] and i would probably have to kill you in your sleep."
she said it with that smile she does when she's trying to play it off like she's joking. i firmly believe she could and would do this though. the ruskie i'm not so sure about. that would require her actually getting up from the dining room table.
it's now 1352. my little guy just got put back in his room. let's see how this goes. and if you don't see anymore blogs from me? know that it wasn't good news and that the jew killed me in my sleep.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
someone might want to explain the concept of kosher to the jew...
every so often the jew and i will look at dogs available for adoption in the dc area. today was one of those days. the ruskie was at home and i was telling her about how we were doing this:
the gypsy [the ruskie] says screw the babies and puppies, we need to get a potbellied pig
the gypsy
the jew
the jew
the jew: tell her she can get her pig when she moves to houston
the jew
the jew
the jew
the jew
now, i'm no judaism expert by any means (unless sleeping with more than a handful of cute jewish girls count), but i'm pretty sure that there's something wrong with her definition of the word, yes?
tucker seriously wants a baby brother though. for real. i asked him.
the jew
now, i'm no judaism expert by any means (unless sleeping with more than a handful of cute jewish girls count), but i'm pretty sure that there's something wrong with her definition of the word, yes?
tucker seriously wants a baby brother though. for real. i asked him.
a message from my kin.
i received this email from a member of my family that i'm choosing to keep anonymous. i wasn't going to blog this because i didn't want to call this person out on their asshattedness, but it's just too brilliant to not share*:
"Honey, I recently found your blog online and just had to tell you that it makes me so happy to see you've found someone like [the jew]. You don't know how long we've waited for you to find someone that we can be proud of you being with. She seems successful ( I googled her) and very attractive as well. After all the pain and suffering we've been through with you being a lesbian this makes it worth while. We can finally say we're proud of you. This eleveates (sic) so much of the hurt that [we] have gone through because of you. You don't understand what you're string of random women in your life has done to [us] and the way people treat [us] because of it. [the jew] seems like a beautiful person that loves you very much. I am so excited to meet her someday. I'm hoping that ... I will be able to visit. Don't screw it up with her in the meantime. Try to hold onto this one. You two seem like a perfect match and it's not often you meet someone that will put up with you, [uses my full name!]. Take care. Love, [name omitted]"
brilliant, right? the first thing i do is IM the thing to the jew.:
so it's settled, i'm related to crazy people and if they come to visit we're leaving them with the ruskie. she can handle them, i'm sure.
*parts of the email have been cut/slightly altered to protect the identity of the writer.
"Honey, I recently found your blog online and just had to tell you that it makes me so happy to see you've found someone like [the jew]. You don't know how long we've waited for you to find someone that we can be proud of you being with. She seems successful ( I googled her) and very attractive as well. After all the pain and suffering we've been through with you being a lesbian this makes it worth while. We can finally say we're proud of you. This eleveates (sic) so much of the hurt that [we] have gone through because of you. You don't understand what you're string of random women in your life has done to [us] and the way people treat [us] because of it. [the jew] seems like a beautiful person that loves you very much. I am so excited to meet her someday. I'm hoping that ... I will be able to visit. Don't screw it up with her in the meantime. Try to hold onto this one. You two seem like a perfect match and it's not often you meet someone that will put up with you, [uses my full name!]. Take care. Love, [name omitted]"
brilliant, right? the first thing i do is IM the thing to the jew.:
the jew
the gypsy
the jew
the jew
the jew
the gypsy
*parts of the email have been cut/slightly altered to protect the identity of the writer.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
all evidence is admissable, except for that which is not.
ann (who i don't nearly well enough to give a politically incorrect moniker to) said today that the world is quite a small one when we think about it. she was referencing the fact that i went to school with a girl she is now friends with. how does this make anything relevant in the small world category? let me explain it to you.
first off the jew and ann have known each other since they were pretty much fetuses. they're bff's. like, for serious. ann went to school at IU (my semi-alma mater) where she made friends with a girl with the EXACT same name as me (in fact i used to get her email all the time). flash forward 3 years and the jew and i are now friends.
okay, slightly small world, right? now watch this.
the jew's parents went to Purdue (my other semi-alma mater). my very close friend (and mother of the oh-so-adorable infant we managed to not kill), becky's (another jew), mother and father went to school with the jew's parents.
okay, semi-smaller world, yes? here's the kicker.
the jew's grandmother used to live on the same street as my cousins do in sacramento. xmas 2005 we were both in sacramento at the same time, on the same day, on the same block. i even went for a run past her grandmother's house. after searching online for the address i was able to remember that there were people outside that house that day. there wasn't any xmas decorations (surprise). i remember this. it may have been the jew out there. weird.
ann said that "it shows that people meet for the right reasons." i like to think that this is true. i'm just hoping that the reason i met the jew wasn't so she could steal my dog when we eventually move apart. :)
(i don't know what the point of this entry was other than to stall me having to get ready for work. it worked. i'm now 20 minutes behind schedule. go me!)
first off the jew and ann have known each other since they were pretty much fetuses. they're bff's. like, for serious. ann went to school at IU (my semi-alma mater) where she made friends with a girl with the EXACT same name as me (in fact i used to get her email all the time). flash forward 3 years and the jew and i are now friends.
okay, slightly small world, right? now watch this.
the jew's parents went to Purdue (my other semi-alma mater). my very close friend (and mother of the oh-so-adorable infant we managed to not kill), becky's (another jew), mother and father went to school with the jew's parents.
okay, semi-smaller world, yes? here's the kicker.
the jew's grandmother used to live on the same street as my cousins do in sacramento. xmas 2005 we were both in sacramento at the same time, on the same day, on the same block. i even went for a run past her grandmother's house. after searching online for the address i was able to remember that there were people outside that house that day. there wasn't any xmas decorations (surprise). i remember this. it may have been the jew out there. weird.
ann said that "it shows that people meet for the right reasons." i like to think that this is true. i'm just hoping that the reason i met the jew wasn't so she could steal my dog when we eventually move apart. :)
(i don't know what the point of this entry was other than to stall me having to get ready for work. it worked. i'm now 20 minutes behind schedule. go me!)
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
seriously?
the ruskie has a leak in her bedroom. i called our "handyman" (who really, has yet to prove his handiness). him and his wife trotted over from next door and looked at the roof/ceiling. "yep, it's leaking." he said. no, shit. really?
here's the interesting part of the whole event though:
handy's wife: "now your [the gypsy], right?...cause i've met [the jew]."
me: "yep, that's me."
wife: "now which one is the other one? the one that looks like you but has longer hair?" (she even motioned to her back the approx length of the ruskie's hair)
me: "oh, that's [the ruskie]."
wife: "yeah, i couldn't remember which one of you i met. you look alike."
NO WE DON'T.
he's not handy. and she's not able to see. and really, i feel like our roof will continue to leak with these two on our side. hrmph.
here's the interesting part of the whole event though:
handy's wife: "now your [the gypsy], right?...cause i've met [the jew]."
me: "yep, that's me."
wife: "now which one is the other one? the one that looks like you but has longer hair?" (she even motioned to her back the approx length of the ruskie's hair)
me: "oh, that's [the ruskie]."
wife: "yeah, i couldn't remember which one of you i met. you look alike."
NO WE DON'T.
he's not handy. and she's not able to see. and really, i feel like our roof will continue to leak with these two on our side. hrmph.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
woof, y'all.
oh, no you didn't.
the ruskie texted me today to ask if the dog missed her and if he could text her.
SHE REALLY DID THIS.
what's worse? i totally held the phone up to his nose and he pushed 2 buttons. then his right paw pushed a few more. and i sent it.
response:
ruskie: "tucker's going to love TX."
me: "i'm not too concerned about you stealing him anymore. you'll have to fight [the jew] for him first. she's way too attached at this point..."
which is true. she wants to take him everywhere she goes. everywhere! they're inseparable, really. it's like i'm being replaced! ;)
as i went to leave for work today i pointed to her and the dog:
me: "i'll leave you and your...well...soulmate...or something...to be."
jew to the dog: "do people just not understand our love?"
no, jew, no we don't.
(and don't think i forgot, ruskie, that you asked the dog to text you. you won't live that shit down for awhile.)
SHE REALLY DID THIS.
what's worse? i totally held the phone up to his nose and he pushed 2 buttons. then his right paw pushed a few more. and i sent it.
response:
ruskie: "tucker's going to love TX."
me: "i'm not too concerned about you stealing him anymore. you'll have to fight [the jew] for him first. she's way too attached at this point..."
which is true. she wants to take him everywhere she goes. everywhere! they're inseparable, really. it's like i'm being replaced! ;)
as i went to leave for work today i pointed to her and the dog:
me: "i'll leave you and your...well...soulmate...or something...to be."
jew to the dog: "do people just not understand our love?"
no, jew, no we don't.
(and don't think i forgot, ruskie, that you asked the dog to text you. you won't live that shit down for awhile.)
Saturday, April 19, 2008
95 years old, yes. a couple, no.
the usual scene. jew on her side of the couch. me on mine. dog in the middle.
jew doing the crossword puzzle: "purple fruit."
me: "plum."
jew: "thanks."
me: "we're totally 95 years old!"
jew: "no...my sister and brother-in-law do this...and jess and berkeley stay home on friday nights and play scrabble."
me: "you're comparing us to couples."
jew: :::contemplative face::: "yyyyyeah."
me: :::eye roll:::
I'M NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND, JEW! :)
jew doing the crossword puzzle: "purple fruit."
me: "plum."
jew: "thanks."
me: "we're totally 95 years old!"
jew: "no...my sister and brother-in-law do this...and jess and berkeley stay home on friday nights and play scrabble."
me: "you're comparing us to couples."
jew: :::contemplative face::: "yyyyyeah."
me: :::eye roll:::
I'M NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND, JEW! :)
relaying for life.
last night i worked the relay for life event at work. a few hours into it, they stopped the festivities and did about 30 minutes of remembrance of those who, unfortunately, have succumbed to cancer. they did a few moments to those who have survived. and gave thanks to those who have taken care of those that had/were fighting the battle.
for those of you that don't know (which, really, is most of you), i was diagnosed with cervical cancer this last winter. luckily it was caught very early and after a few treatments/procedures i'm so far still in the clear.
the only person who really knew about my fight (albeit short as it was) was the jew. the night i was diagnosed she swooped me away from work and took me out for rum and pancakes :). she had had an impossibly long day, but still stayed up with me until after 2am and let me talk. not about anything in particular, but just in general. she didn't let me be alone when i didn't know how to ask someone to not leave me. she made it okay for me to say "i'm scared" when those were words that had never passed my lips.
over the course of the few months i had to deal with it she never wavered in her support. it was never "me" that was going through it. it was "us" that were going to beat it. with her silent strength i never doubted otherwise.
while they were doing the moment of thanks i text message the jew:
"they're doing the moment of thanks for those who have taken care of the ones that have had cancer. thank you, [jew]. i don't think i've said it enough. or if i ever could."
they played the song "i'll stand by you" by the pretenders. i totally started to cry in the middle of this event, while in uniform. which, of course, made me angry. which, of course, made me blame the jew. damn you, jew, damn you. :)
for those of you that don't know (which, really, is most of you), i was diagnosed with cervical cancer this last winter. luckily it was caught very early and after a few treatments/procedures i'm so far still in the clear.
the only person who really knew about my fight (albeit short as it was) was the jew. the night i was diagnosed she swooped me away from work and took me out for rum and pancakes :). she had had an impossibly long day, but still stayed up with me until after 2am and let me talk. not about anything in particular, but just in general. she didn't let me be alone when i didn't know how to ask someone to not leave me. she made it okay for me to say "i'm scared" when those were words that had never passed my lips.
over the course of the few months i had to deal with it she never wavered in her support. it was never "me" that was going through it. it was "us" that were going to beat it. with her silent strength i never doubted otherwise.
while they were doing the moment of thanks i text message the jew:
"they're doing the moment of thanks for those who have taken care of the ones that have had cancer. thank you, [jew]. i don't think i've said it enough. or if i ever could."
they played the song "i'll stand by you" by the pretenders. i totally started to cry in the middle of this event, while in uniform. which, of course, made me angry. which, of course, made me blame the jew. damn you, jew, damn you. :)
Thursday, April 17, 2008
mystery scientia theatrum , gentilitas penicullus*
in case you've been living under a rock, you may have heard that the pope is visiting dc. the jew, the dog, and i are watching the papal mass on tv right now, so this is a running live blog:
pope mobile goes by WITH THE WINDOW DOWN:
jew: "dude, is the window down? isn't that the point of the bullet proof window?!"
me: "is it wrong that i kinda want something to happen?"
jew: "oh, no totally me too.....except jess is there."
me: "oh, well never mind if jess is there."
jew: "yeah, to hell with the other 50k people there."
later:
me: "i think i totally blogged about when he became the new pope 3 years ago on my old blog....yep, sure did."
jew: "awesome."
pope's procession down infield:
jew: "which one do you think is the agent?" (as papi's body man)
jew: "do you think it's that one?" (a very agent man walks by)
me & jew simultaneously: "oh, it's that one!"
the pope is blessing...um, something:
me: "dude, does that say losnacionales.com? do we have a nationals website in spanish!?"
archdiocese of dc talks about the first catholics in the US in 1624. the pope waves his hands in the air:
me: "dude, don't take credit for it."
jew: "oh, you didn't realize he was alive then?"
me: "he is older than dirt."
i grab my computer and start typing at this point:
jew: "you're totally blogging this now, aren't you?"
me: "it's just too good to pass up!"
jew: "you mean the jew and the gypsy watching the papal mass?"
me: "of course..we're like mystery science theatre."
the choir starts to sing Gloria (not the laura branigan song):
me: "i know all the words to this in latin."
jew singing the words, kinda: "this is not the language i know it in!"
me: "i'm surprised you know it at all."
jew: "do you know how many masses i've sat through at georgetown?!"
the third african-american singer/reader takes the stage:
jew: "have they not had any white people?"
me: "why? are you feeling marginalized as a jewish white woman?"
jew: "DAMN STRAIGHT I AM!"
fox camera's close in on the pope's face. his eyes are closed, again:
jew: "doesn't it look like he's just about to totally fall asleep up there?"
me: "either that or keel over and die."
jew: "yeah."
close up on the pope, again:
me: "he kinda looks like estelle getty...from the golden girls...except, ya know, a guy."
later:
me: "i should probably feel bad that i call all catholics baby rapers."
jew: "you should."
me: "i should..."
jew: "i would say that the majority of them are not."
me: "right."
(the jew proceeds to make me feel really really bad about calling them that. dammit, jew. only you have the power to make me feel guilty.)
the pope's assistant guy (what's that guy called? i'll refer to him as the pope's bitch) gives the pope his glasses for the umpteenth time:
me: "he's like you when you're drunk...takes the glasses off, puts the glasses on, takes the glasses off, puts the glasses on."
jew: "uh...yyyyeah...."
the jew has to leave to go play G-D for a few hours on an ambulance:
me: "this isn't going to be as much fun when you're not here to run commentary with me."
jew: "sorry. i need to go on an ambulance."
the jew walks out of the room and comes back in 5 minutes later:
jew: "is he still talking!?"
me: "yep."
jew: "i wonder how many of those people are actually listening."
me: "at least he can speak english...that's a plus."
jew: "yeah."
me: "maybe if i leave it on i can find faith and religion by osmosis...you know, by just hearing it in the background."
jew: "you can try."
the pope starts reading in spanish:
me: "did he just start in spanish?!...he sounds like my mother does when she tries ordering from taco bell."
the jew to the dog before going to play G-D:
"do we love you? yeah, we love you. the pope may not love you because you're black. and gay. but we love you. yes we do."
after yet another irreverent comment:
me: "we're totally going to hell!"
jew: "i don't believe in hell...you have fun with that."
me: "like this is the thing that's sending me to hell, please...."
a very festive song comes on, neither of us are looking at the tv:
jew: "did they just cut to commercial."
me: "i half expected chiquita banana to come out."
:::the jew starts dancing to the overly-festive music:::
the jew puts her shoes on:
me: "i'm totally putting on Bones as soon as you leave..."
jew: "i love that i got you hooked on it."
me: "there's just too many old white men going on here..."
jew: "gonna watch your girl?"
me: "she's just so pretty!"
(congratulations pope, if possible, you made me even more gay.)
*in propinquus , solus res ego can vere narro super pope res hic , est ut is est has serio screwed sursum mihi res validus urgeo inter urbs.
viva il papa.
(*all that latin i've taken finally paid off)
pope mobile goes by WITH THE WINDOW DOWN:
jew: "dude, is the window down? isn't that the point of the bullet proof window?!"
me: "is it wrong that i kinda want something to happen?"
jew: "oh, no totally me too.....except jess is there."
me: "oh, well never mind if jess is there."
jew: "yeah, to hell with the other 50k people there."
later:
me: "i think i totally blogged about when he became the new pope 3 years ago on my old blog....yep, sure did."
jew: "awesome."
pope's procession down infield:
jew: "which one do you think is the agent?" (as papi's body man)
jew: "do you think it's that one?" (a very agent man walks by)
me & jew simultaneously: "oh, it's that one!"
the pope is blessing...um, something:
me: "dude, does that say losnacionales.com? do we have a nationals website in spanish!?"
archdiocese of dc talks about the first catholics in the US in 1624. the pope waves his hands in the air:
me: "dude, don't take credit for it."
jew: "oh, you didn't realize he was alive then?"
me: "he is older than dirt."
i grab my computer and start typing at this point:
jew: "you're totally blogging this now, aren't you?"
me: "it's just too good to pass up!"
jew: "you mean the jew and the gypsy watching the papal mass?"
me: "of course..we're like mystery science theatre."
the choir starts to sing Gloria (not the laura branigan song):
me: "i know all the words to this in latin."
jew singing the words, kinda: "this is not the language i know it in!"
me: "i'm surprised you know it at all."
jew: "do you know how many masses i've sat through at georgetown?!"
the third african-american singer/reader takes the stage:
jew: "have they not had any white people?"
me: "why? are you feeling marginalized as a jewish white woman?"
jew: "DAMN STRAIGHT I AM!"
fox camera's close in on the pope's face. his eyes are closed, again:
jew: "doesn't it look like he's just about to totally fall asleep up there?"
me: "either that or keel over and die."
jew: "yeah."
close up on the pope, again:
me: "he kinda looks like estelle getty...from the golden girls...except, ya know, a guy."
later:
me: "i should probably feel bad that i call all catholics baby rapers."
jew: "you should."
me: "i should..."
jew: "i would say that the majority of them are not."
me: "right."
(the jew proceeds to make me feel really really bad about calling them that. dammit, jew. only you have the power to make me feel guilty.)
the pope's assistant guy (what's that guy called? i'll refer to him as the pope's bitch) gives the pope his glasses for the umpteenth time:
me: "he's like you when you're drunk...takes the glasses off, puts the glasses on, takes the glasses off, puts the glasses on."
jew: "uh...yyyyeah...."
the jew has to leave to go play G-D for a few hours on an ambulance:
me: "this isn't going to be as much fun when you're not here to run commentary with me."
jew: "sorry. i need to go on an ambulance."
the jew walks out of the room and comes back in 5 minutes later:
jew: "is he still talking!?"
me: "yep."
jew: "i wonder how many of those people are actually listening."
me: "at least he can speak english...that's a plus."
jew: "yeah."
me: "maybe if i leave it on i can find faith and religion by osmosis...you know, by just hearing it in the background."
jew: "you can try."
the pope starts reading in spanish:
me: "did he just start in spanish?!...he sounds like my mother does when she tries ordering from taco bell."
the jew to the dog before going to play G-D:
"do we love you? yeah, we love you. the pope may not love you because you're black. and gay. but we love you. yes we do."
after yet another irreverent comment:
me: "we're totally going to hell!"
jew: "i don't believe in hell...you have fun with that."
me: "like this is the thing that's sending me to hell, please...."
a very festive song comes on, neither of us are looking at the tv:
jew: "did they just cut to commercial."
me: "i half expected chiquita banana to come out."
:::the jew starts dancing to the overly-festive music:::
the jew puts her shoes on:
me: "i'm totally putting on Bones as soon as you leave..."
jew: "i love that i got you hooked on it."
me: "there's just too many old white men going on here..."
jew: "gonna watch your girl?"
me: "she's just so pretty!"
(congratulations pope, if possible, you made me even more gay.)
*in propinquus , solus res ego can vere narro super pope res hic , est ut is est has serio screwed sursum mihi res validus urgeo inter urbs.
viva il papa.
(*all that latin i've taken finally paid off)
the one area where we both totally fail...
me: "so i've finally been able to coordinate schedules with lori for tomorrow and i'm actually all stupidly nervous because i totally have a crush on her. i'm such a dork."
jew: "aww."
me: "aww? you're no help!"
jew:" i'm just giving you as much help as you gave me :)" --(the jew has a crush on a boy, btw.)
me: "no fair! i don't do crushes. it seems like it's been forever since anyone has even piqued my interest. i feel like a total loser....you're older, you should have advice for me ;) what's the point of having an older sister like person if she's useless?! ;)"
jew: "hmph."
me: "don't hmph me, missy!"
she's totally useless, i swear ;)
also, it's very clear from our lack of romantic social skills why we spend most of our nights on the couch, with the dog, together. hmph.
jew: "aww."
me: "aww? you're no help!"
jew:" i'm just giving you as much help as you gave me :)" --(the jew has a crush on a boy, btw.)
me: "no fair! i don't do crushes. it seems like it's been forever since anyone has even piqued my interest. i feel like a total loser....you're older, you should have advice for me ;) what's the point of having an older sister like person if she's useless?! ;)"
jew: "hmph."
me: "don't hmph me, missy!"
she's totally useless, i swear ;)
also, it's very clear from our lack of romantic social skills why we spend most of our nights on the couch, with the dog, together. hmph.
um...both ya'll need help.
this post should have been up yesterday, but i forgot.
so, the jew was supposed to be at her conference thing for 3 solid days. granted, it's only like 5 miles from our home, but still. 3 days. no dog.
she leaves sunday at 1330 hrs. comes home at 1715 hours to pack and spend time with the dog. leaves again. comes back monday afternoon. why? "i need tucker time." she says. leaves again. comes back tuesday morning. curls up on the couch with the dog. doesn't go back to finish the conference.
the entire time the jew was doing the back and forth and missing the dog, the ruskie was mocking her. "OMFG. she's ridiculous."
oh, she's ridiculous? is she ruskie?
flash forward a little...the ruskie left tuesday morning for san antonio. no, she didn't steal the dog. however, when i gave her a ride to work in the am (taking bags on the metro is for punks), we brought the dog along with us. she gets out of the car, gets her bags, says goodbye to the dog.
me: "see buddy? she's leaving you. FOREVER. because she doesn't love you anymore. she said she'd take you to texas, but noooo. she's leaving you."
the dog starts to whimper and give sad eyes.
me: "dude, he's totally crying."
the ruskie walks back from halfway across the street and starts to pet the dog.
ruskie: "i'll be back. i'll see you in a week. I LOVE YOU." walks back across the street, stares at the dog. turns around. goes to work.
i go home. tell the jew.
jew: "HAHA! VENGEANCE IS MINE!"
ya'll are both ridiculous. seriously.
so, the jew was supposed to be at her conference thing for 3 solid days. granted, it's only like 5 miles from our home, but still. 3 days. no dog.
she leaves sunday at 1330 hrs. comes home at 1715 hours to pack and spend time with the dog. leaves again. comes back monday afternoon. why? "i need tucker time." she says. leaves again. comes back tuesday morning. curls up on the couch with the dog. doesn't go back to finish the conference.
the entire time the jew was doing the back and forth and missing the dog, the ruskie was mocking her. "OMFG. she's ridiculous."
oh, she's ridiculous? is she ruskie?
flash forward a little...the ruskie left tuesday morning for san antonio. no, she didn't steal the dog. however, when i gave her a ride to work in the am (taking bags on the metro is for punks), we brought the dog along with us. she gets out of the car, gets her bags, says goodbye to the dog.
me: "see buddy? she's leaving you. FOREVER. because she doesn't love you anymore. she said she'd take you to texas, but noooo. she's leaving you."
the dog starts to whimper and give sad eyes.
me: "dude, he's totally crying."
the ruskie walks back from halfway across the street and starts to pet the dog.
ruskie: "i'll be back. i'll see you in a week. I LOVE YOU." walks back across the street, stares at the dog. turns around. goes to work.
i go home. tell the jew.
jew: "HAHA! VENGEANCE IS MINE!"
ya'll are both ridiculous. seriously.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
oh, so she *is* straight...(or, the jew's day o'fun in the grass)
today is a beautiful day outside. a very good day for mowing the lawn, in fact. so me, the jew, the dog head outside to the backyard. the jew says she's going to mow the lawn (once i give her a tutorial on how to do it).
so we head off the deck and down to the mower. a quick tutorial and she's on her way. sort of.
she kinda struggles a bit getting it started.
"yeah, i'm never going to be able to do this."
"yeah you can...put some back into it!"
"um...i can't."
"just do it fast and hard...you can do this, straight girl!" (she doubles over in laughter)
she gets it started. she misses about 3 feet of the grass, from the fence on. she goes down one side of the lawn, across, down, across. one big circle. she's pushing with all her might. she's actually being kind of a jackass with it. almost like "look at me...i'm just a girl...i can't do this!" i, of course, having already played this card when i was with my ex (because i hated mowing the lawn), am not falling for it. i continue to laugh and really be amused. i wish i had the camera.
she continues in the circle pattern, not realizing that because we don't have a bag on the mower that she's coming very close to clogging the thing to the point where it dies. she continues. it dies.
"i didn't do it!"
"yes you did."
"i give up."
i take over. take care of all the areas she missed. finish the lawn. put the lawn mower away. sit on the stairs of the deck. the jew gets up and walks into the lawn. scoops up handfuls of just cut grass. and, even behind her $300 polarized custom made sunglasses, i can see the look of mischievousness.
"don't even think about throwing that at me. not unless you plan on ending up on the ground. tackled."
she weighs her options. she doesn't throw it at me. good choice, jew, good choice.
instead she takes two piles of grass and stacks them on three different stairs of the deck where i'm sitting (again, wish i had the camera).
"you're like a little kid sometimes."
"i know."
she takes another pile of grass. places it on the steps.this is where she makes the mistake. because, now, these big large piles of slightly damp just cut grass are right in my reach. and, what does she do? 5 minutes later, without thinking about the piles of grass she put in my reach, she goes under the deck. and, of course, i'm forced to drop the grass on her.
she should have seen it coming. duh.
i allow her one option to throw a pile at me. which she does. ineffectively. i think she was still scared i was going to take her down. i totally would have, btw. totally.
the dog in all of this sunshiney fun is not amused. not amused at all. he's only concerned about going inside and laying on the floor where there is no sun. there is no bugs. there is no random birds nest with a mommy bird trying to kill him.
oh, did i mention there's a random bird nest outside? yeah the mommy bird dive bombs the dog every time he tries to pee. so funny. it makes me cringe every time the bird comes close to him.
it's 2 hours later and we're back in the house. the dog is on the floor. i'm on my side of the couch. and the jew is on her side, picking grass out of her sweatshirt. :)
so we head off the deck and down to the mower. a quick tutorial and she's on her way. sort of.
she kinda struggles a bit getting it started.
"yeah, i'm never going to be able to do this."
"yeah you can...put some back into it!"
"um...i can't."
"just do it fast and hard...you can do this, straight girl!" (she doubles over in laughter)
she gets it started. she misses about 3 feet of the grass, from the fence on. she goes down one side of the lawn, across, down, across. one big circle. she's pushing with all her might. she's actually being kind of a jackass with it. almost like "look at me...i'm just a girl...i can't do this!" i, of course, having already played this card when i was with my ex (because i hated mowing the lawn), am not falling for it. i continue to laugh and really be amused. i wish i had the camera.
she continues in the circle pattern, not realizing that because we don't have a bag on the mower that she's coming very close to clogging the thing to the point where it dies. she continues. it dies.
"i didn't do it!"
"yes you did."
"i give up."
i take over. take care of all the areas she missed. finish the lawn. put the lawn mower away. sit on the stairs of the deck. the jew gets up and walks into the lawn. scoops up handfuls of just cut grass. and, even behind her $300 polarized custom made sunglasses, i can see the look of mischievousness.
"don't even think about throwing that at me. not unless you plan on ending up on the ground. tackled."
she weighs her options. she doesn't throw it at me. good choice, jew, good choice.
instead she takes two piles of grass and stacks them on three different stairs of the deck where i'm sitting (again, wish i had the camera).
"you're like a little kid sometimes."
"i know."
she takes another pile of grass. places it on the steps.this is where she makes the mistake. because, now, these big large piles of slightly damp just cut grass are right in my reach. and, what does she do? 5 minutes later, without thinking about the piles of grass she put in my reach, she goes under the deck. and, of course, i'm forced to drop the grass on her.
she should have seen it coming. duh.
i allow her one option to throw a pile at me. which she does. ineffectively. i think she was still scared i was going to take her down. i totally would have, btw. totally.
the dog in all of this sunshiney fun is not amused. not amused at all. he's only concerned about going inside and laying on the floor where there is no sun. there is no bugs. there is no random birds nest with a mommy bird trying to kill him.
oh, did i mention there's a random bird nest outside? yeah the mommy bird dive bombs the dog every time he tries to pee. so funny. it makes me cringe every time the bird comes close to him.
it's 2 hours later and we're back in the house. the dog is on the floor. i'm on my side of the couch. and the jew is on her side, picking grass out of her sweatshirt. :)
Monday, April 14, 2008
dude, can we go on the tv show?
so the jew is at her conference. i'm on the couch. we're texting. the ruskie is in the dining room (duh):
ruskie: "are you texting her?"
me: "yeah, she texted me."
ruskie: "DON'T ENABLE HER!"
me: "but we're having a conversation!"
ruskie: "i hate to see what it's going to be like when she goes to Israel...the text messaging fees are really high...the bills going to be like $800"
me: "you do realize that we exchange at least 100-200 texts a day with each other, right? that's in addition to the solid 7 hours of IMing we do while she's at work."
ruskie: "you guys are bizaare...why don't you talk on the phone?"
me: "she says she'll be done in 10 minutes and then she'll call."
15 minutes of texting goes by and the jew calls. 26 minutes later and she hangs up. 1 minute later she texts me again.
the ruskie: "are you texting her again?"
me: "yeah, we're having a conversation!"
ruskie: "but...you guys are bizarre...you're way closer than any couple i know."
me: "but we're having a conversation!"
ruskie: "you were just on the phone! you guys need an intervention."
me: "but, we spent the first 10 minutes on the phone doing the crossword puzzle."
ruskie: "OMG ARE YOU GUYS LIKE 95 YEARS OLD? you're like this 95 year old couple at a nursing home doing crossword puzzles that can't be separated. you even have the therapy dog!"
me: :::texting::: "i really wish i could get a picture of that face you're giving me and send it to her."
ruskie (continuing with the face): "are you texting this to her? you guys need an intervention!"
me: "she's asking if we can go on the show. you know, intervention."
ruskie (walking out of the room): "please...you need to go... you need to be intervened. I'M PACKING!"
me: "i'm so blogging this!"
i mean, no, we're not crack/meth/coke heads, but it'd be awesome to go on that show. though they'd probably want to separate us for treatment, and as we already agreed upon, there's no way we can be incommunicado for more than a few hours (unless we're sleeping). sigh, maybe we do need an intervention.
ruskie: "are you texting her?"
me: "yeah, she texted me."
ruskie: "DON'T ENABLE HER!"
me: "but we're having a conversation!"
ruskie: "i hate to see what it's going to be like when she goes to Israel...the text messaging fees are really high...the bills going to be like $800"
me: "you do realize that we exchange at least 100-200 texts a day with each other, right? that's in addition to the solid 7 hours of IMing we do while she's at work."
ruskie: "you guys are bizaare...why don't you talk on the phone?"
me: "she says she'll be done in 10 minutes and then she'll call."
15 minutes of texting goes by and the jew calls. 26 minutes later and she hangs up. 1 minute later she texts me again.
the ruskie: "are you texting her again?"
me: "yeah, we're having a conversation!"
ruskie: "but...you guys are bizarre...you're way closer than any couple i know."
me: "but we're having a conversation!"
ruskie: "you were just on the phone! you guys need an intervention."
me: "but, we spent the first 10 minutes on the phone doing the crossword puzzle."
ruskie: "OMG ARE YOU GUYS LIKE 95 YEARS OLD? you're like this 95 year old couple at a nursing home doing crossword puzzles that can't be separated. you even have the therapy dog!"
me: :::texting::: "i really wish i could get a picture of that face you're giving me and send it to her."
ruskie (continuing with the face): "are you texting this to her? you guys need an intervention!"
me: "she's asking if we can go on the show. you know, intervention."
ruskie (walking out of the room): "please...you need to go... you need to be intervened. I'M PACKING!"
me: "i'm so blogging this!"
i mean, no, we're not crack/meth/coke heads, but it'd be awesome to go on that show. though they'd probably want to separate us for treatment, and as we already agreed upon, there's no way we can be incommunicado for more than a few hours (unless we're sleeping). sigh, maybe we do need an intervention.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
is this considered animal abuse?
the jew is off at some conference thing. we don't know what it's for. but she's gone for 3 days.
in her absence, the ruskie begins this dialog with the dog:
"did [the jew] leave you?...yes she did....she left you cause she doesn't love you anymore. she left you FOREVER. she didn't take you to her jew conference cause she doesn't love you..."
"dude, are you stockholm syndroming my dog?"
"yeah, he's going to start robbing banks with ak-47s and shit...cause [the jew] left him and doesn't love him anymore."
to which he raises his eyebrows, lowers his eyes in a sad puppy way, and gives "puppy ears" (the jews most favorite thing ever). he then starts crying.
"it's okay to cry cause she left you. cause she doesn't love you anymore. she left you FOREVER."
to which he starts crying louder. a low sad moaning cry. his jew is gone and doesn't love him anymore.
so, of course, i text the jew and tell her the "convo" between the dog and the ruskie.
"that's just totally mean."
"he's all mopey now. [the ruskie] is stockholm syndroming him in your absence."
"i'll get her back."
"i dunno...she's being very convincing. i may bond wtih her too in your absence and then you'll be forced to sit at the table every night and listen to us and the dog be overly familial."
"wow. i leave for 2 hours and this is what i get?"
" 'uh, yeah' from [the ruskie]. ;) from me. dude, [the ruskie] could never handle being as close as we are. duh."
that's totally true. but seriously? poor dog looks like he's lost his best friend.
ETA:
before the ruskie went to bed tonight she stood in the doorway of the hall very much the way the jew does while saying goodnight to tucker.
"she doesn't love you, remember. if she loved you she'd be here. but no, she's at the mayflower hotel. where you're not allowed...because you're black. spitzer can bring his call girls in but she can't bring you? i'm just sayin...."
and then he promptly gave her really sad eyes, sighed, whimpered a little, and curled up under the pillow. poor thing.
the aspca better not raid this house for the dog because of the ruskie. i'm just sayin...
in her absence, the ruskie begins this dialog with the dog:
"did [the jew] leave you?...yes she did....she left you cause she doesn't love you anymore. she left you FOREVER. she didn't take you to her jew conference cause she doesn't love you..."
"dude, are you stockholm syndroming my dog?"
"yeah, he's going to start robbing banks with ak-47s and shit...cause [the jew] left him and doesn't love him anymore."
to which he raises his eyebrows, lowers his eyes in a sad puppy way, and gives "puppy ears" (the jews most favorite thing ever). he then starts crying.
"it's okay to cry cause she left you. cause she doesn't love you anymore. she left you FOREVER."
to which he starts crying louder. a low sad moaning cry. his jew is gone and doesn't love him anymore.
so, of course, i text the jew and tell her the "convo" between the dog and the ruskie.
"that's just totally mean."
"he's all mopey now. [the ruskie] is stockholm syndroming him in your absence."
"i'll get her back."
"i dunno...she's being very convincing. i may bond wtih her too in your absence and then you'll be forced to sit at the table every night and listen to us and the dog be overly familial."
"wow. i leave for 2 hours and this is what i get?"
" 'uh, yeah' from [the ruskie]. ;) from me. dude, [the ruskie] could never handle being as close as we are. duh."
that's totally true. but seriously? poor dog looks like he's lost his best friend.
ETA:
before the ruskie went to bed tonight she stood in the doorway of the hall very much the way the jew does while saying goodnight to tucker.
"she doesn't love you, remember. if she loved you she'd be here. but no, she's at the mayflower hotel. where you're not allowed...because you're black. spitzer can bring his call girls in but she can't bring you? i'm just sayin...."
and then he promptly gave her really sad eyes, sighed, whimpered a little, and curled up under the pillow. poor thing.
the aspca better not raid this house for the dog because of the ruskie. i'm just sayin...
living with straight girls...
softball season started today for me (well, practice anyway). i'm part of CAPS, a GLBTQSA (xasdashfioegwerg) league in the area. my team is the Dirty Gurlz (don't ask).
anyway, practice was at 10am today, which for me means that i had to be up at 745. i shower. i shave. i blow dry AND straighten the hair. put on makeup. find a color coordinated (but functional) outfit. and head downstairs.
the jew looks at me and says "i thought you had softball practice."
me: "i do."
(she points to the straightened hair.)
me: "oh, i put on makeup too."
the ruskie walks in
ruskie: "what?"
jew: "she wears makeup to softball practice."
ruskie: "you WHAT?"
jew: "i can't imagine wearing makeup while playing softball."
me: "i wear makeup all the time...actually, the only sport i don't wear makeup to is water-polo. and even then i use a tinted moisturizers."
ruskie: "whatev."
me: " you mean you don't wear makeup while playing sports, straight girls?!"
jew: "sometimes i wonder about you...."
yeah, sometimes i wonder too.
anyway, practice was at 10am today, which for me means that i had to be up at 745. i shower. i shave. i blow dry AND straighten the hair. put on makeup. find a color coordinated (but functional) outfit. and head downstairs.
the jew looks at me and says "i thought you had softball practice."
me: "i do."
(she points to the straightened hair.)
me: "oh, i put on makeup too."
the ruskie walks in
ruskie: "what?"
jew: "she wears makeup to softball practice."
ruskie: "you WHAT?"
jew: "i can't imagine wearing makeup while playing softball."
me: "i wear makeup all the time...actually, the only sport i don't wear makeup to is water-polo. and even then i use a tinted moisturizers."
ruskie: "whatev."
me: " you mean you don't wear makeup while playing sports, straight girls?!"
jew: "sometimes i wonder about you...."
yeah, sometimes i wonder too.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
what did we do to deserve this?
the jew & i are both sick. not like coughing, sneezing, sniffling sick. more like omg, if i even think about eating anything i'm going to die. and it's not related, either. her thing is very different than my thing. vice versa, clearly.
so, how is it that the only one in the house that isn't tummy sick is the on that eats CHICKEN FRIED BACON?
how does that make sense?!? fucking ruskie.
(oh, and i finally figured out why the dog goes so crazy when we try to eat cookies...he learned it from the ruskie. who was pretty much eating the cookies as soon as they were out of the oven. i'm surprised she didn't channel her inner sylvia plath and just dive in the damn thing head first. fucking ruskie :) )
so, how is it that the only one in the house that isn't tummy sick is the on that eats CHICKEN FRIED BACON?
how does that make sense?!? fucking ruskie.
(oh, and i finally figured out why the dog goes so crazy when we try to eat cookies...he learned it from the ruskie. who was pretty much eating the cookies as soon as they were out of the oven. i'm surprised she didn't channel her inner sylvia plath and just dive in the damn thing head first. fucking ruskie :) )
Friday, April 11, 2008
ICE, Freeze!
so. i spent the night in the ER last night. shocking, yes? whatev.
it all started with a mild panic attack feeling (ended up being something a little more serious) that left me in need of my great peeps over at GERMS. they roll up to my headquarters and check me out. get me on the stretcher, etc. transport me to the hospital. thanks guys!
my sgt. calls my ICE (in case of emergency) person: the jew. who, of course, has her phone on silent. thanks, jew! eventually they get a hold of her.
the jew texts me "some ICE i am. you're in the hospital and i'm still at home."
(turns out SHE was really sick too...it's a sympathy sickness thing i think :) )
so, no, she didn't roll out at midnight to the ER to watch me be poked, prodded, xrayed (where the tech actually took my phone and entered his # in it, btw. creepy & unprofessional all in one!), tubed, bled dry, etc. but she was able to give the EMTs all my usual vitals over the phone so they knew what my baseline was. and she did spend nearly half the time i was there texting with me in order to...i don't know. i felt less alone. (maybe she was just out of things to do online.)
so, while she thinks she's not a very good ICE, i have to say i wouldn't trade her for anyone else.
and as i texted to her after the morphine kicked in: "Regardless of the type of ICE you thinj you are i still thinj youre the bert."
did you hear that, jew? you're the bert. :)
it all started with a mild panic attack feeling (ended up being something a little more serious) that left me in need of my great peeps over at GERMS. they roll up to my headquarters and check me out. get me on the stretcher, etc. transport me to the hospital. thanks guys!
my sgt. calls my ICE (in case of emergency) person: the jew. who, of course, has her phone on silent. thanks, jew! eventually they get a hold of her.
the jew texts me "some ICE i am. you're in the hospital and i'm still at home."
(turns out SHE was really sick too...it's a sympathy sickness thing i think :) )
so, no, she didn't roll out at midnight to the ER to watch me be poked, prodded, xrayed (where the tech actually took my phone and entered his # in it, btw. creepy & unprofessional all in one!), tubed, bled dry, etc. but she was able to give the EMTs all my usual vitals over the phone so they knew what my baseline was. and she did spend nearly half the time i was there texting with me in order to...i don't know. i felt less alone. (maybe she was just out of things to do online.)
so, while she thinks she's not a very good ICE, i have to say i wouldn't trade her for anyone else.
and as i texted to her after the morphine kicked in: "Regardless of the type of ICE you thinj you are i still thinj youre the bert."
did you hear that, jew? you're the bert. :)
Thursday, April 10, 2008
fan base? hell i thought we only had one.
sent to me from our one fan:
"your life is like a showtime show. seriously, you should take your blog and turn it into a sitcom pilot. it's like... everything falls into place to create the perfect amount of hilarity and suspense. but in a sitcom, the jew would fall in love with you at the end, so arrange that, or you'll have a very disappointed fanbase. "
you hear that jew? you better start questioning your sexuality real quick...it's almost summer hiatus! :)
( it wouldn't be as much fun if the jew wasn't as straight as she is, btw, fan.)
"your life is like a showtime show. seriously, you should take your blog and turn it into a sitcom pilot. it's like... everything falls into place to create the perfect amount of hilarity and suspense. but in a sitcom, the jew would fall in love with you at the end, so arrange that, or you'll have a very disappointed fanbase. "
you hear that jew? you better start questioning your sexuality real quick...it's almost summer hiatus! :)
( it wouldn't be as much fun if the jew wasn't as straight as she is, btw, fan.)
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
dude, if that's not friendship i don't know what is...
upon receiving my confirmation of testing (physical/written) for metro PD, i had this conversation with the ruskie:
gypsy (3:14:12 PM) : omg.i'm so screwed
gypsy(3:14:18 PM) : i have to do this physical agiility thing in 3 weeks
gypsy(3:14:25 PM) : and they want me to do this:
gypsy (3:14:28 PM) : 15 pushups in 1 minute,
gypsy (3:14:57 PM) : i'm so screwed
ruskie (3:15:25 PM) : oh man 1.5 miles
ruskie (3:18:20 PM) : i will sit in a chair with a beer and a stopwatch
ruskie (3:18:26 PM) : and time you running up and down the street
but seriously? 3 weeks? i AM screwed.
(oh, and danilo, the latin plumber, came and fixed our shower. gracias, yo.)ruskie
ruskie
gypsy (3:19:04 PM) : that's friendship right there, man
gyspy (3:19:13 PM) : can i swig rum as i do it?
i can always count on the ruskie to say something like this. she's awesome.the jew just does this whole "let's do it together!" /inspirational (yet appreciated. i do it to her too.) thing when i say i have something i need to do. but the ruskie? she's like "yeah, dude, you're on your own, but if i can assist by mocking in anyway, lemme know." so awesome.but seriously? 3 weeks? i AM screwed.
don't drink the water...
totally unrelated to anything in this household, but i had to comment.
baby with 2 faces?
girl with 8 limbs?
what the hell is in the water over in india?
hey, farb, now that you're over there...please stick with aquafina, kthxbye :)
baby with 2 faces?
girl with 8 limbs?
what the hell is in the water over in india?
hey, farb, now that you're over there...please stick with aquafina, kthxbye :)
we're like the golden girls...minus the slutty one.
(extremely lengthy post ahead)
2211 hrs. the jew returns from class to arrive home.
2311 hrs. i return from work to arrive home.
2355 hrs. the ruskie returns from her trip to arrive home.
2356 the chaos begins. (and the internet isn't working...:()
the dog, first off, is very happy to have all his girls home. a happy dog makes for a happy jew and a happy jew makes for a non unhappy household. if the jew ain't happy ain't no one happy. i swear. yom kippur is an excellent example of this.
the ruskie begins with "dude, we drove 200 miles round trip last night...to the middle of fucking nowhere texas....for...chicken fried bacon...it was amazing." the jew says it sounds disgusting at the exact time i concur with the ruskie that, yes, that does sound amazing.
talking about bacon reminded me of passover at which point i informed the jew that she would be passing over the opportunity to see Common on the night of passover. to which she replied "fuck that. i'm going to the concert...i just can't eat bread while there."
flash forward a few minutes to all of us realizing, holy shit, we're exhausted. bed time. um, yeah.
the jew does this thing every night. EVERY NIGHT. where she says goodnight to the dog. gives him kisses. tells him she loves him. goes in her room. comes back out and looks at him. goes back in her room. comes back out again and looks at him. and then stands in the doorway between the hallway and the living room giving him this look of "i wish you could sleep in my bed and cuddle. but you're an animal. with fur. that sheds. and i'm anal about my sheets." and finally, after much pouting on her part and sad eyes on his part she goes in her bedroom and stays.
i explain this process to the ruskie. she does that "whatever, dude" look. announces she's taking a shower.
the jew does her back/forth/pouting thing with the dog. goes in her room. i roll my eyes, go upstairs to mine. the dog follows. get the dog settled. get myself settled. close my eyes. hear a bunch of commotion downstairs. what the hell are they doing?
get out of bed. stand at the top of the stairs. they're fiddling with the internet. go back, get in bed.
ruskie: "it's not working"
jew: "reset it."
ruskie: "it's still not working."
jew : "[the gypsy] BROKE IT."
me: "NO I DIDN'T! IT WAS BROKEN WHEN I CAME HOME."
jew: "I DIDN'T EVEN TRY TO USE IT!"
me: MAYBE THAT'S THE PROBLEM. IT'S UPSET THAT YOU NEGLECTED IT."
(the dog now thinks that me and the jew are screaming cause we're fighting and he jumps on my face to either kill me for yelling at the jew or protect me from the jew. the jew and the ruskie continue to fiddle downstairs. i realize i'm not getting any sleep anytime soon. i come downstairs.)
me: "is it a comcast issue?"
jew: "probably."
me: "it was working until [the ruskie] came home. i'm blaming her."
ruskie: "hey now!"
jew: "it is true."
the ruskie gives up on the internet. announces, again, she's going to take a shower. the dog is now all riled up because the jew has told him it is morning time (he's not the brightest). he also is very angry with the jew for yelling at me. his ears are back. he's not having any part of her. this, of course, makes the jew mopey. the jew now has to make sure that he's not upset with her because "they shouldn't go to bed angry" with each other. omg, seriously? that's the look i give her, of course.
at this point she begins to play super emt and realizes (or thinks) that the dog's pupils are not equal. impending death and doom she says! whatever.
jew: "i need to check. this is what i do for a living." (we're both holding the dogs face at this point. a lot closer in physical proximity that, frankly, either of us probably feel comfortable with.)
me: "really? i thought you worked on databases?" ::looks up to her, gives shit eating grin::
jew:.....:::look of impending gypsy killing::: ::middle finger extended::: "fuck you" ::walks away::
me: "i love you..." ::another shit eating grin:: (cause she can't stay mad at me, really)
jew: "fuck you!"
she then runs towards me with her fist out, swings, misses (playfully mind you. if she had been serious i would have dropped her ass so quickly she wouldn't have known what hit her). the dog, however, doesn't understand this is all in jest and in all his great manly protective nature jumps off the couch and goes and jumps on her and...licks her. yeah, way to protect me there, cujo.
so now we all want to go to bed again. the jew decides that, again, can't go to bed with the dog angry. he's not having any part of her.
"i'll just buy his love!...want a treat?!" of course he does! he's a dog! he's given his "treat" (which is just really an ice cube, btw. no, seriously they're like crack to him.) and all is well. time for bed. but first the jew has to do her bed time process. in the room. out of the room. look at the dog, etc. finally it's complete. we head our separate ways.
back upstairs. get the dog settled. get me settled. get the eyes closed.
ruskie: "[JEW]!
jew: "WHAT?"
ruskie: "HOW DO I TURN THIS OFF?"
me to myself: "dear god, what now?!"
commotion downstairs. mumbling.
jew: "[GYPSY]!"
me: "what?"
jew: "WE NEED TO CALL A PLUMBER."
me to myself: "what could they have possible broken?..eh, i'm a dyke, i can fix it. i don't need no stinkin' plumber!"
i go downstairs. they're in the bathroom/hallway. the jew points to the ruskie who is covered in sprays of water. the shower faucet is, apparently, not working.
jew: "i managed to get it turned off."
me to the ruskie, jokingly: "WHAT DID YOU DO?!"
ruskie:::points to her water splattered shirt::: "i didn't do anything!"
me: "you need to go back to texas...first the internet. now the shower. you can't live here anymore"
i check out the faucet. yep. broken.
me: "sorry i can't plumb for you guys. i fail as a lesbian."
ruskie: "i'll just wash my face then."
jew: "you can boil water. take a bath."
me: "we still have hot water, [jew]. we wouldn't need to boil it. we could get it from the sink."
jew: "i'm showering at the gym tomorrow."
me: "if we had a hose we could just do it the way my cousins do it in arizona." (don't ask)
jew to the ruskie: "don't ask."
ruskie: "i'm just going to wash my face."
jew: "i'm going to bed."
me as i walk upstairs: "fucking straight girls."
get upstairs. get the dog settled. go to close one eye and...
jew: "NOW WE HAVE SOMETHING TO BLOG ABOUT!"
me: "IF [the ruskie] HADN'T BROKEN THE INTERNET I'D BE ABLE TO"
nothing but laughter. and of course, from the ruskie "hey now!"
0045 hrs. finally get my eyes closed. no one's yelling.
i love this house. i love my home. i love these girls. i hate the shower.
2211 hrs. the jew returns from class to arrive home.
2311 hrs. i return from work to arrive home.
2355 hrs. the ruskie returns from her trip to arrive home.
2356 the chaos begins. (and the internet isn't working...:()
the dog, first off, is very happy to have all his girls home. a happy dog makes for a happy jew and a happy jew makes for a non unhappy household. if the jew ain't happy ain't no one happy. i swear. yom kippur is an excellent example of this.
the ruskie begins with "dude, we drove 200 miles round trip last night...to the middle of fucking nowhere texas....for...chicken fried bacon...it was amazing." the jew says it sounds disgusting at the exact time i concur with the ruskie that, yes, that does sound amazing.
talking about bacon reminded me of passover at which point i informed the jew that she would be passing over the opportunity to see Common on the night of passover. to which she replied "fuck that. i'm going to the concert...i just can't eat bread while there."
flash forward a few minutes to all of us realizing, holy shit, we're exhausted. bed time. um, yeah.
the jew does this thing every night. EVERY NIGHT. where she says goodnight to the dog. gives him kisses. tells him she loves him. goes in her room. comes back out and looks at him. goes back in her room. comes back out again and looks at him. and then stands in the doorway between the hallway and the living room giving him this look of "i wish you could sleep in my bed and cuddle. but you're an animal. with fur. that sheds. and i'm anal about my sheets." and finally, after much pouting on her part and sad eyes on his part she goes in her bedroom and stays.
i explain this process to the ruskie. she does that "whatever, dude" look. announces she's taking a shower.
the jew does her back/forth/pouting thing with the dog. goes in her room. i roll my eyes, go upstairs to mine. the dog follows. get the dog settled. get myself settled. close my eyes. hear a bunch of commotion downstairs. what the hell are they doing?
get out of bed. stand at the top of the stairs. they're fiddling with the internet. go back, get in bed.
ruskie: "it's not working"
jew: "reset it."
ruskie: "it's still not working."
jew : "[the gypsy] BROKE IT."
me: "NO I DIDN'T! IT WAS BROKEN WHEN I CAME HOME."
jew: "I DIDN'T EVEN TRY TO USE IT!"
me: MAYBE THAT'S THE PROBLEM. IT'S UPSET THAT YOU NEGLECTED IT."
(the dog now thinks that me and the jew are screaming cause we're fighting and he jumps on my face to either kill me for yelling at the jew or protect me from the jew. the jew and the ruskie continue to fiddle downstairs. i realize i'm not getting any sleep anytime soon. i come downstairs.)
me: "is it a comcast issue?"
jew: "probably."
me: "it was working until [the ruskie] came home. i'm blaming her."
ruskie: "hey now!"
jew: "it is true."
the ruskie gives up on the internet. announces, again, she's going to take a shower. the dog is now all riled up because the jew has told him it is morning time (he's not the brightest). he also is very angry with the jew for yelling at me. his ears are back. he's not having any part of her. this, of course, makes the jew mopey. the jew now has to make sure that he's not upset with her because "they shouldn't go to bed angry" with each other. omg, seriously? that's the look i give her, of course.
at this point she begins to play super emt and realizes (or thinks) that the dog's pupils are not equal. impending death and doom she says! whatever.
jew: "i need to check. this is what i do for a living." (we're both holding the dogs face at this point. a lot closer in physical proximity that, frankly, either of us probably feel comfortable with.)
me: "really? i thought you worked on databases?" ::looks up to her, gives shit eating grin::
jew:.....:::look of impending gypsy killing::: ::middle finger extended::: "fuck you" ::walks away::
me: "i love you..." ::another shit eating grin:: (cause she can't stay mad at me, really)
jew: "fuck you!"
she then runs towards me with her fist out, swings, misses (playfully mind you. if she had been serious i would have dropped her ass so quickly she wouldn't have known what hit her). the dog, however, doesn't understand this is all in jest and in all his great manly protective nature jumps off the couch and goes and jumps on her and...licks her. yeah, way to protect me there, cujo.
so now we all want to go to bed again. the jew decides that, again, can't go to bed with the dog angry. he's not having any part of her.
"i'll just buy his love!...want a treat?!" of course he does! he's a dog! he's given his "treat" (which is just really an ice cube, btw. no, seriously they're like crack to him.) and all is well. time for bed. but first the jew has to do her bed time process. in the room. out of the room. look at the dog, etc. finally it's complete. we head our separate ways.
back upstairs. get the dog settled. get me settled. get the eyes closed.
ruskie: "[JEW]!
jew: "WHAT?"
ruskie: "HOW DO I TURN THIS OFF?"
me to myself: "dear god, what now?!"
commotion downstairs. mumbling.
jew: "[GYPSY]!"
me: "what?"
jew: "WE NEED TO CALL A PLUMBER."
me to myself: "what could they have possible broken?..eh, i'm a dyke, i can fix it. i don't need no stinkin' plumber!"
i go downstairs. they're in the bathroom/hallway. the jew points to the ruskie who is covered in sprays of water. the shower faucet is, apparently, not working.
jew: "i managed to get it turned off."
me to the ruskie, jokingly: "WHAT DID YOU DO?!"
ruskie:::points to her water splattered shirt::: "i didn't do anything!"
me: "you need to go back to texas...first the internet. now the shower. you can't live here anymore"
i check out the faucet. yep. broken.
me: "sorry i can't plumb for you guys. i fail as a lesbian."
ruskie: "i'll just wash my face then."
jew: "you can boil water. take a bath."
me: "we still have hot water, [jew]. we wouldn't need to boil it. we could get it from the sink."
jew: "i'm showering at the gym tomorrow."
me: "if we had a hose we could just do it the way my cousins do it in arizona." (don't ask)
jew to the ruskie: "don't ask."
ruskie: "i'm just going to wash my face."
jew: "i'm going to bed."
me as i walk upstairs: "fucking straight girls."
get upstairs. get the dog settled. go to close one eye and...
jew: "NOW WE HAVE SOMETHING TO BLOG ABOUT!"
me: "IF [the ruskie] HADN'T BROKEN THE INTERNET I'D BE ABLE TO"
nothing but laughter. and of course, from the ruskie "hey now!"
0045 hrs. finally get my eyes closed. no one's yelling.
i love this house. i love my home. i love these girls. i hate the shower.
the things they never showed you on Cheers
1300 hrs. the jew and i, as per usual, were having lunch at our sweet bunker of nourishment yesterday. the jew, as per usual, was late arriving. and, as per usual, i got stuck having to sit near a overly chatty whiskey shooting man.
prior to the jew getting there he told me that he was a 24 year vet of the army. had just gotten back from iraq 2 days prior and no, he wasn't driving today officer so i needn't worry. he told the bartender that what he did in the army was the same thing i did for the city. to which i replied "what? deal with drunk idiots?" (remember this!). he said he was an MP officer. being as polite as i ever am, and seeing the potential for the blogging, i of course didn't ignore him. i did however send a text to the jew saying "weird guy keeps talking to me. rescue me!"
she, per usual, swooped in to save the day.
he at least could take a hint (slightly) and didn't engage in too much interrupting since someone sat between him and i for most of the meal. of course, as soon as that person left it was fair game. he originally came in and announced he would be having just 1 shot of whiskey. he ended up having 3-4 while we were there alone.
he then asked eric (the cute bartender) where the "latrine" was and at this point the jew gave her "uh, did he just....what?" look that she does before actually verbally saying it. i explained the army. the vet. the iraq. his life story that he had told me. she pursed her lips and gave the "ah. right." look that she also does.
he comes back and announces that he has hit his head on the sprinkler system in the bathroom. this is when the jew and i looked at each other, smiled and she goes "dude, i'm thinking...blog". we decided that, yes, even though we were done eating and had paid, we definitely needed to see how this played out.
unfortunately nothing exciting happened after that point.
UNTIL....
1900 hrs. i'm patrolling my beat. outside the sweet bunker of nourishment, sitting on the stairs, is the guy. my whiskey shooting vet. it's been 6 hours! all of which he's clearly taken the time to become one with the bottom of the jack bottle. he's now on his cell phone screaming "WHO DID I SLEEP WITH? HUH? WHO DID I SLEEP WITH BITCH!?". i text the jew "omg. army guy from lunch drunk on 36th...screaming into his phone. i'm going to try and get him a cab before MPD gets him". at which point i walk up to him and he puts the phone down.
"hey man, you alright?"
"huh?"
"you ok?"
"what?"
(i take my baseball cap off)
"you remember me from lunch today"
"oh yeah! you're that hot girl. you were with that other hot girl."
(he puts his finger up to me in a "hold on motion" and returns to his call)
"have a good fucking life! you know my cell number."
(he hangs up; i sit down next to him on the stairs)
"so buddy, what's going on? you seem upset?
"it's not illegal to be upset, is it?"
"nope. but i can't have you intoxicated screaming on my streets... and i'm concerned. you're a brother in arms, man, i gotta make sure you're alright." (i'm so smooth at talking with the drunkies :) )
"nah, i'm alright. i wish you were single."
"um."
"i shouldn't have said that...i mean, i'm just guessing that you're not single. you're too beautiful...that girl with you...you two...man. normally i wouldn't condone that type of thing but you two together...you can tell you two really care about each other...yeah...tell her i'm sorry for hitting on her lady. this is embarrassing."
(ugh. seriously? even this random drunk guy thinks this shit? sigh.)
"um...yeah. how about we get you in a cab, buddy? get you back to where you need to be. i think you've had enough for tonight."
"yeah. you wanna come with me?"
(i hail a cab)
"yeah, not so much."
"i'm dean, by the way."
(put him in the cab)
"you look like a dean, dean." (he really did)
(to the cabbie)
"you take him to his hotel. no stops between. no bars. no liquor stores. understood?" (it's a dc cabbie, who knows if he actually understood. but he nodded).
dean was on his way.
so the moral of the story is:
i wanna go where nobody knows my name...
sigh.
prior to the jew getting there he told me that he was a 24 year vet of the army. had just gotten back from iraq 2 days prior and no, he wasn't driving today officer so i needn't worry. he told the bartender that what he did in the army was the same thing i did for the city. to which i replied "what? deal with drunk idiots?" (remember this!). he said he was an MP officer. being as polite as i ever am, and seeing the potential for the blogging, i of course didn't ignore him. i did however send a text to the jew saying "weird guy keeps talking to me. rescue me!"
she, per usual, swooped in to save the day.
he at least could take a hint (slightly) and didn't engage in too much interrupting since someone sat between him and i for most of the meal. of course, as soon as that person left it was fair game. he originally came in and announced he would be having just 1 shot of whiskey. he ended up having 3-4 while we were there alone.
he then asked eric (the cute bartender) where the "latrine" was and at this point the jew gave her "uh, did he just....what?" look that she does before actually verbally saying it. i explained the army. the vet. the iraq. his life story that he had told me. she pursed her lips and gave the "ah. right." look that she also does.
he comes back and announces that he has hit his head on the sprinkler system in the bathroom. this is when the jew and i looked at each other, smiled and she goes "dude, i'm thinking...blog". we decided that, yes, even though we were done eating and had paid, we definitely needed to see how this played out.
unfortunately nothing exciting happened after that point.
UNTIL....
1900 hrs. i'm patrolling my beat. outside the sweet bunker of nourishment, sitting on the stairs, is the guy. my whiskey shooting vet. it's been 6 hours! all of which he's clearly taken the time to become one with the bottom of the jack bottle. he's now on his cell phone screaming "WHO DID I SLEEP WITH? HUH? WHO DID I SLEEP WITH BITCH!?". i text the jew "omg. army guy from lunch drunk on 36th...screaming into his phone. i'm going to try and get him a cab before MPD gets him". at which point i walk up to him and he puts the phone down.
"hey man, you alright?"
"huh?"
"you ok?"
"what?"
(i take my baseball cap off)
"you remember me from lunch today"
"oh yeah! you're that hot girl. you were with that other hot girl."
(he puts his finger up to me in a "hold on motion" and returns to his call)
"have a good fucking life! you know my cell number."
(he hangs up; i sit down next to him on the stairs)
"so buddy, what's going on? you seem upset?
"it's not illegal to be upset, is it?"
"nope. but i can't have you intoxicated screaming on my streets... and i'm concerned. you're a brother in arms, man, i gotta make sure you're alright." (i'm so smooth at talking with the drunkies :) )
"nah, i'm alright. i wish you were single."
"um."
"i shouldn't have said that...i mean, i'm just guessing that you're not single. you're too beautiful...that girl with you...you two...man. normally i wouldn't condone that type of thing but you two together...you can tell you two really care about each other...yeah...tell her i'm sorry for hitting on her lady. this is embarrassing."
(ugh. seriously? even this random drunk guy thinks this shit? sigh.)
"um...yeah. how about we get you in a cab, buddy? get you back to where you need to be. i think you've had enough for tonight."
"yeah. you wanna come with me?"
(i hail a cab)
"yeah, not so much."
"i'm dean, by the way."
(put him in the cab)
"you look like a dean, dean." (he really did)
(to the cabbie)
"you take him to his hotel. no stops between. no bars. no liquor stores. understood?" (it's a dc cabbie, who knows if he actually understood. but he nodded).
dean was on his way.
so the moral of the story is:
i wanna go where nobody knows my name...
sigh.
we now return to our regularly scheduled programming...
as is apt to happen, as soon as i say i'm not going to post, something totally blog-worthy occurs.
two things actually.
unlike the writer's strike of 2007, this won't be lasting forever.
stay tuned.
two things actually.
unlike the writer's strike of 2007, this won't be lasting forever.
stay tuned.
Monday, April 7, 2008
and now a word from our sponsors...
so. i was thinking. that really? the jew and i have become much less interesting since we've moved in together.
i'm suspending posting until something not so boring (notice i didn't say "exciting") takes place.
the jew can feel free to post away (not that she will).
(who am i kidding, her and the dog will probably do something unbelievably sickeningly adorable together and i'll take pictures and have to post them. but for now...hiatus.)
i'm suspending posting until something not so boring (notice i didn't say "exciting") takes place.
the jew can feel free to post away (not that she will).
(who am i kidding, her and the dog will probably do something unbelievably sickeningly adorable together and i'll take pictures and have to post them. but for now...hiatus.)
there's no crying in baseball...
the jew and the dog were watching the cardinals/astros game via internet connection. the astros hit 2 in the bottom of the 9th sending them to a 5-3 win over the cards (the jews home team). t
he jew gets this sad look on her face and tells the dog it's okay to cry. so he starts crying. and then they both get this unbelievably sad mopey look. the jew even stuck out her bottom lip to show how upset she was.
so what could i do to console them? not a damn thing. that's why i took pictures.
he jew gets this sad look on her face and tells the dog it's okay to cry. so he starts crying. and then they both get this unbelievably sad mopey look. the jew even stuck out her bottom lip to show how upset she was.
so what could i do to console them? not a damn thing. that's why i took pictures.
it is what it is.
while at work sat night i had a 2 hr text convo with a friend (who wishes to remain nameless..so i'll just call her tug) about the jew. i just can't resist posting (part of) it here:
TUG: so i was thinking...how do u manage to live with [the jew] when she's so hot? i don't think i could do it. you must be blind or have amazing self control.
me: it's a hard job but somebody has to do it :) actually, it's not that hard. it's the jew. it is what it is. plus i'm afraid of her so that helps. you realize i'm going to show her this, right?
TUG: whatev it'll prob go on the blog too. but, you've never thought about it? Ever? Why are u scared of her? What kind of lesbian r u?! u 2 are amazing 2gether, btw. i don't think i've ever met an actual couple as functional, insync, and caring as u 2. are u sure u guys aren't a couple?
me: we aren't a couple! we're just...we're [the gypsy] and [the jew]. it is what it is. i can't explain it...[cut]...plus, she loves the cock. :)
[lots of stuff i don't need the whole world to see has been cut]
TUG:ok. ok. i still think she's fucking hot...
me: back off lesbo. she's my straight domestic partner. get your own.
TUG: haha. jealous much?
me:uh. no. hardly. just protective of her. overly so at times. seriously, turn that part of you off when it comes to her. i mean it. do not test me on this. am i clear?
TUG: crystal. geez. sorry. now i'm scared of you. :) but she is hot.
me: sigh. i'm done here.
so now i'm tired of hearing how awesome she is and how hot she is. geez. if i stay friends with the jew any longer and have to put up with this, i'm going to get a serious inferiority complex. which the jew will not like because then i'll be all pissy, i'm sure. and she'll have to deal with me and really, it's all about how it affects us personally when it comes down to it.
(the parts that i cut out were too personal for the masses. . .if you can imagine that. but if you're curious i'll be happy to share in private.)
TUG: so i was thinking...how do u manage to live with [the jew] when she's so hot? i don't think i could do it. you must be blind or have amazing self control.
me: it's a hard job but somebody has to do it :) actually, it's not that hard. it's the jew. it is what it is. plus i'm afraid of her so that helps. you realize i'm going to show her this, right?
TUG: whatev it'll prob go on the blog too. but, you've never thought about it? Ever? Why are u scared of her? What kind of lesbian r u?! u 2 are amazing 2gether, btw. i don't think i've ever met an actual couple as functional, insync, and caring as u 2. are u sure u guys aren't a couple?
me: we aren't a couple! we're just...we're [the gypsy] and [the jew]. it is what it is. i can't explain it...[cut]...plus, she loves the cock. :)
[lots of stuff i don't need the whole world to see has been cut]
TUG:ok. ok. i still think she's fucking hot...
me: back off lesbo. she's my straight domestic partner. get your own.
TUG: haha. jealous much?
me:uh. no. hardly. just protective of her. overly so at times. seriously, turn that part of you off when it comes to her. i mean it. do not test me on this. am i clear?
TUG: crystal. geez. sorry. now i'm scared of you. :) but she is hot.
me: sigh. i'm done here.
so now i'm tired of hearing how awesome she is and how hot she is. geez. if i stay friends with the jew any longer and have to put up with this, i'm going to get a serious inferiority complex. which the jew will not like because then i'll be all pissy, i'm sure. and she'll have to deal with me and really, it's all about how it affects us personally when it comes down to it.
(the parts that i cut out were too personal for the masses. . .if you can imagine that. but if you're curious i'll be happy to share in private.)
that commie bastard :)
the ruskie is gone for another couple days. it's weird without her here. the light in the dining room never came on once all day. the jew sat in the ruskie's chair for a little bit, but it wasn't the same.
the ruskie never talks much. i like to to describe her as kinda like a dad. doesn't say much. goes to work. comes home. gets food. gets on the computer. you only actually hear her speak when she's really pissed off. she's also good for a few dry quips here and there. she threatens you with things she'll never follow through on. and just pretty much keeps to herself. she's kinda exactly like my father, actually.
but now she's not here. and it's not the same. she can't move to houston. she's already grown on me. jerk.
one thing does remain the same though and that is that the jew and i remain boring.
the ruskie never talks much. i like to to describe her as kinda like a dad. doesn't say much. goes to work. comes home. gets food. gets on the computer. you only actually hear her speak when she's really pissed off. she's also good for a few dry quips here and there. she threatens you with things she'll never follow through on. and just pretty much keeps to herself. she's kinda exactly like my father, actually.
but now she's not here. and it's not the same. she can't move to houston. she's already grown on me. jerk.
one thing does remain the same though and that is that the jew and i remain boring.
Saturday, April 5, 2008
she may be awesome, but her mom thinks i'm amazing.
so after a particularly stressful call, during which i sacrificed my own personal safety for the safety of my EMT's on scene, one of the EMT's (who i had just stopped from getting punched by a drunk guy) says:
"hey, you're (insert jew's real name)'s roommate right?"
"yep. that's me."
"i like her! she's great!"
"yep, she's pretty much made of awesome."
not that me, who just saved your ass, isn't or anything, jackass! oh, and you're welcome.
sigh.
tthis group of EMT's are actually really great, seriously. it's just frustrating to have to hear how awesome the jew is all the time. FROM EVERYONE.
(because she totally is and i don't want that fact to go to her head.)
"hey, you're (insert jew's real name)'s roommate right?"
"yep. that's me."
"i like her! she's great!"
"yep, she's pretty much made of awesome."
not that me, who just saved your ass, isn't or anything, jackass! oh, and you're welcome.
sigh.
tthis group of EMT's are actually really great, seriously. it's just frustrating to have to hear how awesome the jew is all the time. FROM EVERYONE.
(because she totally is and i don't want that fact to go to her head.)
Friday, April 4, 2008
now that would be an amazing sight!
dude, we have a fan!
"hehe... i check your blog before i check perez hilton's these days (which is really saying something, because i LOOOOVE perez). you're saga is quite addicting. i'm just holding my breath for when you come home and your jew and your gypsy are standing on the front porch thumb wrestling. and then of course there's the whole ross&rachel-esque (only single sexed and multi-religion.... wait, no! ross was jewish! SWEET!) saga of you and the jew. i'm holding my breath. HONESTLY!
well, i'm not. but i am quite interested in your witty retelling of your hilarious and amazing life."
"hehe... i check your blog before i check perez hilton's these days (which is really saying something, because i LOOOOVE perez). you're saga is quite addicting. i'm just holding my breath for when you come home and your jew and your gypsy are standing on the front porch thumb wrestling. and then of course there's the whole ross&rachel-esque (only single sexed and multi-religion.... wait, no! ross was jewish! SWEET!) saga of you and the jew. i'm holding my breath. HONESTLY!
well, i'm not. but i am quite interested in your witty retelling of your hilarious and amazing life."
thank god for unlimited texting.
conversations of the evening:
after watching a birthing video:
jew: "i want one."
me: "me too."
jew: "where would we put one?"
me: "i dunno, dear, where would we put one?...if we get rid of the ruskie we can get one."
jew: "true."
later...
me: "amniotic fluid scares me. the word even. if you plan on getting a baby anytime soon, amniotic fluid better not be involved."
jew: "we'll need a more solid baby gate."
and then...
jew: "some random guy with a radio keeps poking his head into our class."
me: "i'll check it out."
....
me: "there's no one around here."
jew: "hmm weird. i swear he's real. he came in twice. weird color shirt."
....
jew: "he's back."
me: "i'm standing at the end of this hallway. no one walked by me. i don't believe you. this guy is your version of the gypsy."
(i never saw the guy, btw. really. i searched the whole building too.)
and...
jew: "well this doesn't look shady." (we were going into her office together after hours)
me: "yeah, but we're boring now to them...i kinda liked it better when we were having sex in the southwest quad and making out in healy circle."
jew: "yeah, but i like being boring. it means we've progressed. that we're settled."
me: "true. sad to say, but our friendship is the best, most healthy relationship i've ever had."
jew: "me too!"
me: "we are boring."
jew: "i like boring. the rest of my life is too much. our relationship being boring is nice. it's settled."
me: "yeah."
and better yet:
me: "it's not even a rumor at this point. it's more of a strong belief system these guys have in us. like my partner keeps saying he's going to dance at our wedding."
jew: "he's going to have to dance at two then."
me: "yeah, if we can find anyone stupid enough to marry either of us."
jew: "they're going to have to marry both of us."
me: "maybe we can find a brother/sister set. doctors. jewish. make both our families happy."
jew: "yeah."
and finally....
text from ofc b: "did u just take a break to go makeout w. ur gf? no fair."
forwarded it to the jew: "wow, if only we were that exciting."
me: "if you get me drunk enough we could be....yeah, no."
jew: "haha. yeah, i don't think so."
me: "yeah."
over all the jew and i have exchanged over 130 text messages each way, 2 phone calls, and numerous IMs. i pointed this out to the jew (via text of course):
"wow. that's a lot."
"yeah, we're chatty."
and then we proceeded to continue for another 20 minutes.
yeah, we're boring. (the ruskie is home as of tonight, but leaves again for the weekend. i apologize for the boring while she's gone..)
after watching a birthing video:
jew: "i want one."
me: "me too."
jew: "where would we put one?"
me: "i dunno, dear, where would we put one?...if we get rid of the ruskie we can get one."
jew: "true."
later...
me: "amniotic fluid scares me. the word even. if you plan on getting a baby anytime soon, amniotic fluid better not be involved."
jew: "we'll need a more solid baby gate."
and then...
jew: "some random guy with a radio keeps poking his head into our class."
me: "i'll check it out."
....
me: "there's no one around here."
jew: "hmm weird. i swear he's real. he came in twice. weird color shirt."
....
jew: "he's back."
me: "i'm standing at the end of this hallway. no one walked by me. i don't believe you. this guy is your version of the gypsy."
(i never saw the guy, btw. really. i searched the whole building too.)
and...
jew: "well this doesn't look shady." (we were going into her office together after hours)
me: "yeah, but we're boring now to them...i kinda liked it better when we were having sex in the southwest quad and making out in healy circle."
jew: "yeah, but i like being boring. it means we've progressed. that we're settled."
me: "true. sad to say, but our friendship is the best, most healthy relationship i've ever had."
jew: "me too!"
me: "we are boring."
jew: "i like boring. the rest of my life is too much. our relationship being boring is nice. it's settled."
me: "yeah."
and better yet:
me: "it's not even a rumor at this point. it's more of a strong belief system these guys have in us. like my partner keeps saying he's going to dance at our wedding."
jew: "he's going to have to dance at two then."
me: "yeah, if we can find anyone stupid enough to marry either of us."
jew: "they're going to have to marry both of us."
me: "maybe we can find a brother/sister set. doctors. jewish. make both our families happy."
jew: "yeah."
and finally....
text from ofc b: "did u just take a break to go makeout w. ur gf? no fair."
forwarded it to the jew: "wow, if only we were that exciting."
me: "if you get me drunk enough we could be....yeah, no."
jew: "haha. yeah, i don't think so."
me: "yeah."
over all the jew and i have exchanged over 130 text messages each way, 2 phone calls, and numerous IMs. i pointed this out to the jew (via text of course):
"wow. that's a lot."
"yeah, we're chatty."
and then we proceeded to continue for another 20 minutes.
yeah, we're boring. (the ruskie is home as of tonight, but leaves again for the weekend. i apologize for the boring while she's gone..)
Thursday, April 3, 2008
should i be offended by this? or that?
last night the jew brought the dog to come visit me at work. it was quite nice of her, really. she even brought me cookies and a banana. i was in hour 10 of 18 hours at this point.
when she left one of my co-workers said this to me:
"you two are the most boring and cute couple ever."
to which i wanted to say "we're not a couple!" for the gazillionth time, but what i ended up saying was "we're not boring!"
i don't know which one to be more offended by at this point. the rumor we're a couple? or the rumor we're boring?
i promptly told the jew this via text. to which she replied "i think i like the new carpet."
and then we had a text convo about said carpet.
to which i then realized, my god, we are boring.
(as is this entry, i'm sure. what can i say, it's been a slow roommate hilarity week. the ruskie is out of town.)
when she left one of my co-workers said this to me:
"you two are the most boring and cute couple ever."
to which i wanted to say "we're not a couple!" for the gazillionth time, but what i ended up saying was "we're not boring!"
i don't know which one to be more offended by at this point. the rumor we're a couple? or the rumor we're boring?
i promptly told the jew this via text. to which she replied "i think i like the new carpet."
and then we had a text convo about said carpet.
to which i then realized, my god, we are boring.
(as is this entry, i'm sure. what can i say, it's been a slow roommate hilarity week. the ruskie is out of town.)
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
stock piling.
keep in mind there's only 3 of us that live in this house:
4 boxes of nutrigrain bars
2 boxes of bisquick
2 boxes of swedish pancake mix
4 jars of peanut butter
3 loaves of bread
16 (yes, 16!) boxes of cereal.
and this doesn't even include the rest of our food!
**i think my OCD is very obvious in this picture, no?
dude, why didn't we think of that?
upon waking up to find me and the jew (and tucker too!) sprawled out asleep on the couch for yet another night of late talking, the ruskie looks at me and says:
"you realize you guys probably could have just gotten a studio apartment, right?...just sayin'."
dude, that would have saved us so much money.
yet been really really weird as well.
"you realize you guys probably could have just gotten a studio apartment, right?...just sayin'."
dude, that would have saved us so much money.
yet been really really weird as well.
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