the social experiment

i got the jew to join my GLBT(qsakdfsgsg) softball league. i personally am now going to enjoy this season much more than i was planning on. 1: i get to play some ball. b: the jew will be there (always good times). and 3: the jew + lesbian softball team = a great amount of awkward nerves on the jews part = unbelievable amount of hilarity for me. it's kinda like my own social experiment.

so, today was our first outing (no pun intended). prior to me & the jew leaving the house the ruskie and i had a conversation about how one of the team members had seen a picture of the jew on my facebook (or myspace) and thought she was crazy hot and how i was going to have to spend all season beating the lesbians back from the jew (in that ridiculous alpha male way that i protect her).

as we walked out the door:
the ruskie (from the dining room, of course): "take care of her."
me: "what?"
the ruskie: "take care of her." :::ruskie look/smile::
me: "haha, i'll do my best."
the jew (from the front porch): "what?"
me: "nothing."
the jew: "no, tell me...what?"
me: "nothing...a gay thing..."
the jew: :::sigh:::

of course, we get lost en route to the field which was way the fuck out in no-mans land (again, no pun intended):
the jew: "STRAIGHT PEOPLE WOULD NEVER DO THIS!"
me: "do what?"
the jew: "pick a field way the fuck out here...we'd just play on The Mall."
me: "i....i have no response to that."

finally finding the general area of the field:
the jew: "is this it?"
me: "just look for the SUV's, trucks, cargo shorts, & mullets."
the jew: :::the look:::
me: :::points to all the trucks/SUV's and the women on the field with cargo shorts:::
the jew: :::sigh:::

arriving 45 minutes late for the start time:
the jew: "are they seriously not even playing yet?"
me: "eh, they're dykes...we don't do anything on time...i told you i wasn't worried."
the jew: "i don't understand you people!"
me: "yeah, you being here is kinda like a great social experiment for me."

on not being able to actually hit the ball:
me to team member: "it's the straightest thing about her."
random team member: "wait....she's straight?!"
me: "yeah...shocking, isn't it?"
team member: "completely."

getting invited to "fight night":
random lesbian: "yeah, it's oscar de la hoya's fight."
the jew (or at least what she wanted to say): "HE'S HOT!"
the jew (what she actually did say): "oh, who's he fighting?"
random lesbian: "don't know...we just get together for the beer."

(i'd like to point out that, as our teams resident "femmey-ish member", i did not give a rats ass who was fighting, that there was a fight, or that there would be beer. i only was concerned that the humidity was wreaking havoc on my curly hair.)

on me being named as one of the captains of the team:
me: "norma can be the mean one...i'll be the nice one...i'll bring the hugs and cookies."
the jew: "...did...did you just say hugs and cookies?"
me: "there's a whole side of me you haven't seen before!"
the jew: "well, i've seen the cookie side."
me: "i can hug...i just won't hug you."
the jew: "we can high five...or bump elbows!"
me: "even that may be pushing the physical limits of our friendship....we can do "knuckles"."
the jew: "yeah!"

arriving home:
me: "it was interesting to see you outside your element....i know i get completely different around the lesbians."
the jew: "you do...you get more withdrawn."
me: "nah, that was just because i wanted to win and we weren't...normally i get really friendly and nice...more open...you got better as the game progressed...i think you need to start your own blog about this..."
the jew: "yeah...it's very interesting to me...after today though i need another night with [the boy]!"

and finally (not softball related though):

the jew: "i find it funny when people say they read the blog but still believe we're a couple."
me (what i wanted to say): "it's the underlying tone of it all."
me (what i actually said because i was .3 seconds away from falling asleep): ":::mumble mumble mumble sigh:::

all in all, this should be a very very interesting season. and, of course, i will keep you updated. (i had to end this post abruptly...gotta actually do some real cop work every now and then, ya know.)