pig-dog

so nikki brought over her two dogs on monday. one is roxie. a very sweet older golden/huskie mix. well behaved. adorable. the other one is this:

this is daisy. she's sweet in that little dog way. she's a monster in, well, every way. she also snorts. constantly. when she's running. when she's sitting (which was never). when she's being a monster (which was always).

this thing never. ever. settles. down. ever.

when the jew came home after an exhausting day of traveling and being hit on by air marshals (big surprise there, purty lady...), all she wanted was to snuggle up on the couch with "her" dog and watch a little tv. of course, nikki was still here with her sweet roxie and monster dog had been put in the car to settle down. however, when the jew came home was the exact time that nikki decided to bring monster dog into the house again. monster dog was back with a vengeance at this point.

jew: "what is this?!...what are you?!! why are you snorting!?!?!"
ruskie: "she's part pig."
jew: "really?" (totally thought that she was, i think...i would have made the same mistake, me thinks.)

monster pig-dog jumped on the couch. jumped on the jew. repeatedly. at first the jew was really good natured about it. but when monster dog jumped on the jew's head and prevented tucker from properly greeting his jew, i felt the jew about to break.the jew had her hand around the little monster dog and i swore she was going to throw the poor snorting beast across the room. which is when i stepped in and said "it's much too late for you to be here, daisy." and the jew said "i'm going to my room."

monster dog and his mommy were forced to make their exit from the house. i think it was a test on nikki's part to see whose side i'd take in the situation. duh, i will always take my jew's side no matter what the situation will be. i don't want to risk having *the* look thrown my way if i don't... :)


(nikki is actually pretty sweet and nice. even with the monster dog. and even if she hadn't done our yard work.)

the inflatable pool version 2.1?

gypsy (10:28:43): dude. big lots has a 7' inflatable spa we can get.
jew (10:29:04): i hate you.
jew (10:29:10): ;-)
gypsy (10:29:39): you don't hate me....you have to love me because i make you cookies.
jew (10:30:21): v. true....how about we get one inflatable pool set up before we buy another one?


the voice of reason strikes again.

oh, and jew? i hate you too. ;)

the gypsy, the jew, and a pool too. part 2: the ruskie ditched us.

917 am. monday morning. i wake up and head downstairs. the jew, of course, fell asleep on the couch and is awoken when i make my migration to the living room. immediately i head out to the back yard and take a look at our pitiful water filled creation. because the ruskie doesn't know how to properly close the valve on inflatable tubes, the thing has deflated again. AGAIN! i set about fixing the situation. out comes the jew squinting against the morning sun.

jew: "let me change into something more weather appropriate and i'll be down."

she comes back in a tank top and ponytail and eating a banana. she passes me a banana as well. i didn't even have to ask or think out loud that i wanted one. thanks, jew. after a few minutes she actually takes hold of the air compressor and allows me to eat said banana. thanks even more, jew. about 20 minutes goes by and we give up on the inflatable part of the operation and set about figuring out how to fill the damn thing up again. we make the decision that we will move it to the middle of the yard because that now seems like the most level place (it's like we have this ever shifting backyard landscape, i swear). so we empty out the water AGAIN (at which point we're both standing on the inner tube portion of the pool and i ask "do you ever feel like lucy & ethel?" "right now i do.") and drag it to the middle of the yard. again we start to fill it and again it does the same thing. fuck this, man.

jew: "this is not how i planned on spending my day."
me: "you don't have to help..."
jew: "no, it's a tactical engineering mystery at this point...i have to stick it out."
me: "i think we need to google this."

which we do. we make the decision to head to the home depot. surely someone there will take pity on our plight and help us out. while i'm changing into some actual pants, the jew googles even further. when i come downstairs to brush my teeth she points to her computer with her toothbrush:

me (reading what she wants us to do): "mumble mumble mumble" (toothbrush talk for "you want us to get an 8' pole, a stake, and dig?")
jew: "mumble mumble mumble" (toothbrush talk for "do you have a better idea?")
me: "mumble mumble mumble" ("let's tarp it and sand over it.")
jew: "mumble." (ok)

we head out to the home depot. now, anyone that knows me and the jew knows what it's like for us to go to home depot. it's always an adventure. we get to the home depot. we quickly scoop up most of the stuff we need and head for the sand which is...where? no clue. ask for directions.

guy: "straight back that way."
me & jew simultaneously: "awesome. thanks." ugh. we're so predictable.

get to the sand:

me: "what do you think...3 bags?"
jew: "better get 4...better to have too much than not enough."
me: "true."

we grab 4 bags. head to the check out line. all goes well. get to the car. get in the car. start the car. start to drive and perfectly in sync both of us grab our sunglasses with our right hands, move our hair out of the way, go to put the glasses on, realize the other one is doing the exact same thing, and together we sigh. then laugh. again, so predictable. i sometimes really feel like we're living our own version of the truman show.

we head back home, and decide first we need nourishment. i head for the remainder of my baja fresh. she heads for the cereal. the jew calls her boy. invites him over for a bbq for later in the evening:

me: "tell him i need him to come be manly!"
jew: "we need to you to come do manly things...well, not exactly those types..." (gets her overly girl voice she reserves for him out that really should cost $2.99/min to hear.)
me: "ew."
jew: "i'm sure he'll do it for you too."
me: "bigger ew!"

he agrees to come over but does not agree to do any of the manly things i need him to do for me & my pool. he does, however, agree to do many manly things to the jew which i do not need him to do in my house. ew.

anyway. we change our clothes AGAIN and start to lay the sand down but first we dragged the pool back to its original spot. 4 bags? yeah not nearly enough.the jew takes off her shirt, and after a particularly interesting bathing suit top malfunction, squints against the sun again. she is not happy. tucker, however, is completely mesmerized by the sand and water.(the actual face she's making in this picture is the perfect not pleased jew face. it's part of *the* look...she's totally going to kill me for putting up this picture, me thinks...)

now we're baffled.

me: "do you think if we..."
jew: "stop asking me! i don't know!"
me: "i was just wondering..."
jew: "we need more sand."

now we trek off to the home depot again. except this time neither of us bothered to make either of ourselves any type of appropriately dressed for the public. we get in the car:

me (looking at my cargo shorts and over sized t-shirt & her athletic shorts & sweaty tank top): "well, we now look like the type of people that should be shopping at the home depot."
jew: "yeah..."
me: "we also look like people whose project is failing miserably."
jew: "yeah...."

head back to the home depot, the entire time both of us saying "i feel like we've done this before..." 8 bags of sand later we're on our way back home.

jew (at a stop light): "i really have this urge to get drunk tonight."
me: "me too."
jew: "after today? we deserve it."

we get the bags of sand out (or rather, the jew does because my back is that of a 93 year old woman at this point). we level. we measure. we use a big giant stick. surely we've got it now, right? yeah not so much. of course we don't realize this until we've filled the damn thing with enough potable water to save a tennessee city from annexation by georgia. whatev. at this point i look at the jew and she looks at me:

me: "you done?"
jew: "so done."

we give up. we'll try again next week. maybe.

my big wonder in all of this is not how we're going to level the damn pool or how we're going to empty the thing without flooding our neighbors back yard, but what the visitors of the arlington sheridan hotel must think of us as they peep out their windows and into our back yard. i know that if i were them, seeing this type of shit go on would have been the best part of my vacation.

the gypsy, the ruskie, the jew, and a pool too...part 1: procuring the pool. and initial set up.

sunday afternoon. 1pm. the ruskie and i see a big lots commercial for the 15'x 36" inflatable "quick set" pool. it's on sale for $100. we look at each other:

same time: "dude...."
ruskie: "we should totally get that."
me: "but we have to do it before [the jew] gets home."
ruskie: "what time does she get home?"
me: "i just asked...she says around 10."
ruskie: "we have plenty of time...it couldn't be that hard, right?"
me: "i just texted [the jew] and told her we had a surprise for her."

since i was kinda supposed to be going on this date like thing with nikki (who doesn't read this blog and who i can totally use her real name on), i had to call her and tell her the change of plans. she decided to tag along (and bring her dogs with her...stay tuned for this story, btw) for the trek out to woodbridge. which, as the ruskie put it, there's only 2 reason to trek out to woodbridge and that's for cheap swedish furniture (and meatballs) from IKEA or, apparently, inflatable pools.

during the drive we have this conversation:
me: "i hope she doesn't get mad."
ruskie: "yeah...but she never gets as mad at me as she does with you."
me: "i just don't want *the* look...i can handle the rest...just not the look"

we get to woodbridge after the ruskie goes to her possibly new apartment building to drop off an application (yeah, we're kicking her out). get to woodbridge and this nice toothless man helped us out. now it was time for accessories:

ruskie: "ohhhh look, rafts...2 for $2.50! we can tell her that we got the pool so she can lay out the way she always wants to when she's in STL."
me: "good thinking...we can bribe her with cheap inflatable floaties..."

toothless man puts the pool into the vehicle and wishes us a happy day:
me: "he kinda reminds me of my uncle mike."
nikki: "hopefully your uncle has more teeth."
me: "strangely enough, no...no he does not...."
nikki: "uh...."

now it was time to fill up the ruskie's war-mobile (not terrorist mobile, ruskie). we trek over to the gas station and, of course, out of 6 pumps available 2 hispanic guys in a big ass dented truck pull up directly behind the ruskie and sit there right on the verge of saying "ay, mami." i know it. so after nikki and i stare them down they move their vehicle to the pump in front of us. brilliant parking job, guys. just brilliant.


we get home and because we have such an extensive project in front of us, we decide to grab burritos from baja fresh first. we need our nourishment and strength, ya know? after dinner we start the setting up process. it's now about 6pm. we have 4 hours to set up our "quick set" pool. so we begin.

the ruskie's job was to inflate the inner tube top of the pool. notice the word INFLATE. kinda a key part of her task and all. my job was to set up the pump. nikki didn't have a job so she decided to do all our yard work that we straight (yeah, nikki called me a straight girl) girls haven't done in the 4 months we've lived her. kinda a weird thing for a first date, but we're lesbians so it's almost understandable. plus, it really did need to be done. nikki's dogs are running amok with our dog and it's total chaos in this house.

text to the jew: "having 3 dogs in the house is total chaos."
call from the jew: "why do we have 3 dogs in the house?"
me: "told you we had a surprise for you...."
jew: "you did not get 3 dogs for the house."
me: "it's a surprise."
jew: "i hate you..."

we started to set up/fill the pool on the right side of the yard. it's the most private area of the back yard seeing as directly behind and above us is A BIG ASS HOTEL that overlooks our backyard. forget about the ground not being level or anything, we wanted our privacy. of course as we fill it the water all goes to one side. the sides are supposed to get higher as the water rises, but somewhere we've failed miserably. the ruskie decides we will move it to the other side of the yard where it surely is more level. um. ok. so we drain the pool and then drag/rotate the thing to the other side. the ruskie continues to supposedly inflate the ring. 20 minutes later...

me: "dude, is that even filling anymore? it looks less inflated than it did earlier."
ruskie: "i dunno. i've been pumping it."
me: "let me see that....dude, you've been fucking deflating the thing!....you're fired."
ruskie: "eh, whatev."

she was tired of being hit in the ass with a water gun spray from the kids next door anyway. i take over the inflating process,but first i ask the jew if she has an "electric air compressor". she calls.

jew: "what's an electric air compressor?"
me: "you know the thing you use to pump up tires and such."
jew: "why do you need an electric air compressor?"
me: "just trust me...do you have one?" (note: i absolutely cannot lie to the jew. she knows to not ask me questions she doesn't want answers to, and if i can't answer the question without lying to her for her own protection i always say "just trust me.")
jew: "next to my ammo box." (later found out she said this while sitting next to a federal air marshal on her way home from STL)
me: "awesome. thanks."
jew: "why do you need an air compressor?!"
me: "just trust me! gotta go, bye!"

the sun is now going down and the jew will be home in a matter of 2 1/2 hours. we are no closer to being done. however our yard work has now been completed. thanks, nikki!

ruskie: "i'm done."
me: "i think the spirit of what we were trying to accomplish is there."
ruskie: "eh, she'll get the idea."
nikki: "who wants ice cream?!"

so we gave up for the night. the jew returns, enters the house, looks around:

jew: "so i was thinking that the only thing that an air compressor could be used for would be for an inflatable pool."
me: "um...no...."
jew: "did you guys get a pool?!" goes to the backyard.
jew: "awesome...i was totally kinda wanting one."
collective sigh of relief from me & the ruskie.
jew: "it's not done."
me: "we're going to finish it tomorrow."
ruskie: "eh, not me...i'm going shopping."
jew: "well we can just take care of it tomorrow morning. no big deal."

NO BIG DEAL, MY ASS. stay tuned for part 2.

best weekend ever

this weekend (or rather just sunday/monday) has really been the most interesting weekend this household has seen. unfortunately, there's just not enough time or ways to actually capture what went on around this joint over the last two days. hopefully i can capture the essence:

sunday: i was supposed to have a date but instead the ruskie and i decided to go buy a pool* and we brought the date along with us. when we got back to put up the pool the ruskie and i decided we had no idea what we were doing and the date randomly started doing our yard work.

sunday night: the jew came home. 'nuff said.

monday: the ruskie ditched us and went off shopping, leaving me and the jew to fend for ourselves in regards to the pool. 2 trips to home depot later and still the pool is not functional. we'll get there, we swear.

monday night: the jew's boy came over. apparently he does exist. who knew? nice guy. cute guy. i approve. in a way. the jew passed out after 2 beers. seriously.

so...there will be pictures and a thorough blog written about the adventures of this weekend, but in the meantime this will have to suffice:

1 big lots blow up pool = $100
2 blow up rafts = $2.50
1 air compressor = $13
12 bags of sand = $51.74
1 big ass blue tarp = $18
2 trips to home depot = $3.91/gallon
4 hours of inflating a pool (only to have the ruskie deflate it twice by accident), 4 hours of attempting to level the pool so the water doesn't spill everywhere, 1 hour moving the pool (and then moving it back), 1 full day in the sun with one of your best friends (being every bit of lucy & ethel), only to have the pool still resemble a bloated fat blob of a thing that would probably end up on dr. phil if it was a person = priceless.

oh woe is he.

like i said, the jew is out of town for the weekend. she returns tomorrow. tucker is, of course, acting like he's lost his best friend.

there's a car across the street that is the same make/model as the jews. today when the neighbors came home they clicked their alarm and made the same noise as the jew's car. at which time tucker went bat shit insane thinking his jew was home.

even after we told him that she was not home, he insisted on making sure that we weren't lying to him.

and then he realized, in fact, she really
wasn't home and his vigil for his jew
resumed.

poor lil guy.

the bearer of good news...

the jew is out of town for the weekend, leaving me and the ruskie to have gypsy/ruskie conversations:

me: "i just spent fucking $45 on gas."
ruskie: "is that a lot?"
me: "for my car it is....i hate you people!*"
ruskie: "eh, it's only going...to get....worse."
me: "is this what you get paid to do? is this how you're educating the public on big oil? you're not making me feel any better about the oil business..."
ruskie: "you really should just start stock piling now. it's really only going to get so much worse....seriously just go to gasbuddy.com, find the cheapest gas and roll up there to get as much as you can."
me: "i'll just get big barrels and stash them in the backyard."
ruskie: "that's safe."
me: "[the jew]won't even notice."


*the ruskie is a big oil rep, btw. it's okay to hate her accordingly. ;)

is this where he gets it from?

i decapitated and dismembered a baby bird yesterday with the lawn mower.

i know now how it happened. but it did.

the jew said "the irony is what gets me." the ruskie laughed profusely.

me? tears.

sigh.

happy birthday, jew.

today is the jew's birthday. there are plenty of things that i would or could say to my favorite jew on her day o'birth, but i feel like there really isn't any way to actually express how awesome she is and how thankful & glad i am that i know her (plus i think she kinda already knows and i don't need her head getting any bigger than it already is...). so, instead of just blogging about it, or using interpretive dance, i decided to get her a jewish-latvian hockey player for her birthday.his name is Eduards*. he should be arriving shortly.

happy birthday, jew. you're my most favorite.



(alas, i realized that not only do jewish-latvian hockey players really not exist, there would be no room in this house for one if they did. and if there was room and they did exist, i don't really want one living in the house anyway. as such none will be arriving. thought that counts and all...;) )



**Eduards is the latvian name for "wealthy guard", btw...a wealthy jewish-latvian hockey player? no one would ever be able to top that present!

this should explain it..

i found this from my old blog regarding baby birds being eatin' by bad monsters. now you may understand why tucker's feasting made me so sad.

thanks, mama ruskie!

the ruskie's mother sent tucker a present for...well, no good reason really other than she's a really nice lady.

how the ruskie came out of that woman, one may never know... ;)

thanks, mama ruskie!

happy birthday, non-roommate

today is ann's birthday. while she doesn't live with us, she's an honorary member of the household. or something like that.

so, on behalf of your non-roommate (L)east coasters....

happy birthday, ann.


eventually we'll get you a politically incorrect nickname too. i promise. :)

i'm tired of usin' technology...why don't you sit down in front of me?

so after AIMing each other for 25 minutes:

gypsy: ugh! i totally forgot that i actually have to go to work at 1200. so weird.

jew: lol

jew: i'm home until a bit later

gypsy: wait, you're here?

gypsy: why are we online?

jew: yep

jew: lol

jew: you're upstairs

gypsy: WTF?!
gypsy:: i'm giving myself the [ruskie] look, we're so ridiculous.

yesterday the jew said she couldn't remember what her life was like before tucker was in it. today i feel the same way but about the jew. i feel like i was actually something resembling normal...

and to think all this time i was worried about the ruskie...

so i come home from work tonight and the dog is nowhere to be found. hmmm, interesting. so i grab my banana and yogurt post work snack and head upstairs to my room thinking the dog is up there. nope. as soon as i open the yogurt, of course, i hear the pitter -patter of clobbering dog up the stairs. interesting seeing as he was nowhere to be found in the common areas of downstairs. so he plops on my bed. drools on my blanket. bites my banana without asking. and as soon as he's done he jumps off the bed and clobbers downstairs. where does he go? to the jew's room. apparently i'm only good for nutrition. hrmph. the jew = dog thief.


don't let that sweet smiley face fool you, behind those eyes is the heart of a criminal mastermind! ;-)

it's like the spin off to the golden girls...but worse.

it has been two whole days since anything resembling interesting has occurred in this household (and even that was just the ruskie's bday). will someone please, for the love of g-d, do/say/experience something interesting?

not even tucker's been able to deliver.

hrmph.

And all I got her was this...

Happy Birthday Ruskie.

happy birthday, ruskie.

today is the ruskie's birthday.

i searched high and low as to what i could get you for your birthday (it also works well for the new job!). this is what i found:

it should be arriving shortly. happy birthday, rusk. you're my favorite big-oil-reppin'- dc-hatin'-bacon-lovin'- beer-drinkin'- cookie-monster ever.



(yeah, so the bacon case isn't real...so it's not actually on it's way. what? it's the thought that counts...)

maybe there's just not enough protein in his diet...

tucker got another little bird. sigh.

dominos delivers...

the jew ordered pizza tonight. she's been counting down the minutes until it actually arrives. she gets a call:

the jew: "hello?....excuse me?....with the pizza?...:::goes to the unlocked/opened front door:::....no you're not....no, i'm sure....my door is open...no you're not knocking on my door....no....:::says the address::: you're there? no you're not....no, you're not....i'm standing at the door....by the air force memorial....you're not knocking on the door...."

brilliant.

sigh...

[gypsy],

I know Lauren sent out a mass email to the whole team, but I wanted to send a personal note to you and [the jew]...you gurlz rocked it out there today! Your ability to communicate with each other was key to our success today on the field....way to go!! ;-) I can't think of a better duo to have working those positions (and so cute while doing it too! ;-) ).....you two are amazing together ..keep it up!!

CU later!

[team mate]

(ps. you two & [team mate's gf] & I should really get together and go out sometime.)

--i IMed this to the jew (from the living room to her room, mind you) and at the same time we IMed each other the response of "sigh".

on that note the jew said she was going to bed. i agree. we've been too close for one day. and it's only 0032 hours....

i'm afraid of what the adoption agency may think...

the jew decided to take on tuckers bath time all by herself tonight. this left me and the ruskie in our respective areas to listen to the shenanigans going on in the bathtub.

jew: "rub a dub dub, tucker in a tub.....who's a good boy? you're a good boy.....that's it...shake rattle & roll"

me and the ruskie exchanged a fair amount of eye rolls until, again, the jew busted out "rub a dub dub tucker's in a tub." at which point the ruskie looks at me, throws up her hands and mouths "WHAT THE FUCK?!"

yeah, i dunno either. but if this is any indication of how she'll be when there's a puppy in the house, i'm getting an audio recorder.

(it's actually surprisingly adorably cute to witness the jew/tucker interactions. but shhh...don't tell the jew i think this.)

and we wonder why they wonder...

today was softball day. the whole family came out to play. yes, we dragged the ruskie and the dog along with us to softball. at first the coach thought that the ruskie was my girlfriend:

LT: "ohhh...who's that?"
me: "oh, that's [the ruskie]"
LT: "oh, so she's your girlfriend..."
me: "um, no...she's my other straight roommate."
LT: "how do you live in that house with that much temptation?!"
me:::sigh:::
LT: "how are you still single?"
me: :::points at the jew:::
LT: "ohhhh."
me: "it scares people away."

but then, in the 2nd game i'm on second & the jews playing short stop. we're warming up at the beginning of an inning and first base grounds the ball to me. i bend over and have the most excruciating pain to my lower back:

(all of this is yelled across the infield, btw)
jew: "what's wrong? what'd you hurt? where's the pain?"
me: "right here in my lower back..."
jew: "hmmm."
me: "i think it's from the west nile..."
jew: "hmmm"
me: "actually, it's from sleeping on that damn futon."
jew: "oh god."
me: "because someone wouldn't let me sleep on the couch"
jew : "i didn't say you didn't have to sleep on the couch last night" (but she mumbled the first part and all that was heard was "you didn't have to sleep on the couch last night.")
me: "are we going to have this fight out here!?" (said in that tone of voice i reserve when i know we're towing that too close line but no one around us knows we're joking.)
jew: :::giving me the look that goes with the tone:::
first base: "not on the field ladies!"
me & the jew: :::sigh:::big grin at each other:::

just like tucker and the jew, people just don't understand our love. ;)

(sidenote: this is what i have to deal with people...i couldn't figure out how to end this blog, so i asked the jew:
jew: "lauren threw the ball after that and we played. the end."
me: "go in the other room, take your shower, and try to come back wittier, more imaginative, and creative."
jew: "like that could happen..."
me: "true.")

in the circle, the circle of life.

(i totally refuse to accept the jews blogging style... here's what really happened)

so i'm out mowing the lawn while the jew & the dog were out for a walk. the jew comes home & brings the dog into the backyard and together we start to rake up all the wet piles of grass that are everywhere (because we were too cheap to buy a bag for the mower). out of nowhere i see tucker at the end of the fence batting the fence. there's a squeaking occurring. wtf? after about .3 seconds i realize what's going on. HOLY SHIT HE'S EATING A BABY BIRD! i run over amid a frantic "nononononononono" on my part and promptly wrestle him away from his new "toy". i get the dog inside. tell him he's a bad boy.

the jew: "what's going on?"
me: "tucker tried to eat that baby bird!"
jew: "eh, it's the circle of life."
me: "it's a poor defenseless little bird!"
jew: "he was just embracing his natural instincts."
me: "i hate you."

so then we go back inside and i almost, almost forget that tucker was a killer. until, of course, the jew says something about him attacking the baby bird. at this point she's on the couch (duh) and i'm on the other side (duh) and the murderer is between us (duh).

me: "hey killer."
ruskie: "are you calling him 'killer'?"
me: "yes. because that's what he is."
jew: "he didn't mean to kill the bird....it's not even dead yet!"
me: "with his reckless actions he either knew or should have known that death or serious injury resulting in death could have occurred....involuntary manslaughter."
jew: "did you just find him guilty of involuntary manslaughter."
me: "i did."
ruskie: :::the look:::

the little bird was placed back into its nest by me and then promptly jumped out of the nest and glided under the deck. that little fucker better not be dead under there because that's a problem i don't want to have to deal with.

so, that's the story. it doesn't read like a law enforcement public safety announcement. i'm tempted to rescind the jews posting privileges for being boring and one dimensional. :)

Tucker attacked a baby bird in the backyard this morning. He thought he was playing. The gypsy is horrified. The jew... keeps bringing it up because she is completely and totally amused by the whole situation.

i'm doomed to too many nights on the couch watching Bones with the jew...

had a conversation last night with a girl i was interested in dating:

girl: "i don't think i can date you."
me: "um...ok....why not?"
girl: "because you're already in a relationship."
me: "i am?"
girl: "you are. whether you want to admit it or not, you're already in a relationship with your roommate."
me: "i am not. we are not."
girl: "you are. you're just in a sexless relationship."
me: "we're just really good friends."
girl: "you're closer than any people i've seen. roommates don't act the way you two do...neither of you are that close with your other roommate, i bet...hell, you said she came home from work just to bring you soup the other day when you weren't feeling well...i bet you've done the same thing for her..."
me: "um...it's just what we do."
girl: "you guys are adopting a dog together."
me: "it's not really together...it just looks that way because of the way we have to fill out the paperwork."
girl: "you're trying too hard to justify your 'friendship'"
me: "i...we're not even as close as we used to be."
girl: "i can't imagine you two any closer...look, you're already in a relationship and she sounds like the best kind of girlfriend you could ask for...i can't compete with her....you should just give up on looking for someone to date, you already have someone..."
me: "that's not the case, but if that's how you feel...i don't know what to say to any of this..."
girl: "if it's not the case, you just need to make your move on her because you're already together."
me: "again, don't know what to say to that or you at this point."
girl: "if things ever change between you and her, give me a call."
me::::sigh:::


this is also not the first time a girl i've been interested in dating has said this type of thing to me.

then today at a mini softball practice:

LT (coach): "where's your girl?"
me: "what?"
LT: "where's [the jew]?"
me: "oh, at home mowing the lawn...she just called...had a straight girl mowing the lawn freak out moment...always funny."
LT: "wait...she's straight?"
me: "yes."
LT: "really?"
me: "yes."
LT: "i thought you two....well, you guys seemed like you were trying very hard last week to come across as not a couple for the sake of the other girls...."
me: "we weren't trying, we're not a couple."
LT: "oh...hmm...really? cause we were all thinking that you two are a really cute couple....you guys look good together...move well together."
me: "not a couple."
LT: "if you say so...but i don't believe it."
me: "that's fine. no one else does either."
LT: "you know, [other teammate] is interested in you but she doesn't want to step on anyone's toes...you know, [the jews]. after seeing you two together i told her that she shouldn't even try...i'm sorry."
me: "omg...i'm doomed to be single...." :::walks off:::

i don't even have a witty closing to this one. at all. i'm just frustrated. but, if i have to change my friendship with the jew in order to find someone that wants to date me, they're probably not worthy of dating to begin with. still frustrating though.

she totally gave us the look...

the scene: the jew on the couch filling out the adoption forms. the ruskie, surprisingly, on the couch on her computer unaware of what the jew is doing. me coming downstairs to leave for work:

the jew: "two questions."
me: "yes, dear?" :::crouches down next to the jew, looking over her shoulder:::
the jew:::lol::: "look at this picture..."
me: "omg...she's so cute..."
the jew: "i know...i love her.:::looks at me:::..so is tucker on any preventative heart worm meds?"
me: "yep."
the jew: "how much do you think we spend on tucker every year?"
me: "too damn much."
the ruskie (finally tuning in to the conversation): "wait a sec...what are you two doing?"
me & the jew (looking extremely guilty): "nothing."
the ruskie: ::the look:::
me: "she's giving us the look."
the jew: "she is."
the ruskie: "there's no look....what are you two doing?"
me :::standing up::: "nothing....we're most certainly not adopting a dog together..."
the ruskie: :::the look:::
me: "you should read the blog."
the jew: "read the blog."
the ruskie: "do i have to find out everything through the blog?"
me: "do we have to find out everything via your away messages?" (in reference to her away message stating she had quit her job)
the ruskie: "nice...touche, touche."
the ruskie: "tucker, they're replacing you."
me: "no, we're replacing you."
the ruskie: :::the look:::

:)

we have reached a new level of awkward...

the jew and i have reached a whole new level of domesticity. we're applying to adopt zoe. she's melted our hearts and we can't stop thinking about her.

the jew: "are we ready to make this decision?"
me: "i think we've reached a point in our relationship that it's time to add a little one."
the jew: "this is going to be so awkward."
me: "yep."
the jew: "do you think we need to tell the landlord that we're getting another dog?"
me: "we didn't tell him we were bringing [the ruskie] into the house...this isn't much different."

we have to apply to adopt her. together. we have to attend classes together, as a "family/household". we have to have a home visit. on the application the jews name is listed first. the second section says "spouse/significant other.":

the jew: "do i list you down as my significant other?"
me: "i think i am at this point."
the jew: "so awkward."
me: "very."
the jew: "do you think they'll be upset that zoe will have two mommies?"
me: "this is so awkward."

we started the application process. we're going to get a new baby. the ruskie is going to give us the look when we tell her. whatev, ruskie, whatev.

on the chance that we don't get approved for zoe, we're going out in search of a puppy tomorrow. after that we'll probably go to home depot, bed bath & beyond, play some softball , bbq, then fall asleep on the couch together while doing the crossword puzzle. :)

so who gets to be sophia?

so today at work there was some ASPCA like people on the street adopting out chocolate labs. by far the cutest dogs i've seen in a loooong time. i text messaged the jew & the ruskie to inform them of my find. the jew did not respond because she was at home sick. the ruskie responded "bring one home". alas, i did not:

the jew: "why didn't you bring one home?"
me: "i felt like we needed to discuss this before the decision was made."
the jew: "do we want a puppy?"
me: "i dunno...are we at the point where we're ready to expand our family?" (said in that 'are we seriously having this super lesbionic coupley conversation?' tone)

so then the ruskie walked in the door and immediately was bombarded with pictures of prospective future members of our house hold:

the ruskie: "have you realized that all our conversations today have revolved around puppies?"
me: "what can i say...i'm ovulating."
the jew: "T...M...I..."
me: "i'm kidding."
the ruskie: "are you seriously getting another dog?"
me: "no...i can't have a second dog...it's hard enough trying to find a place to live in with one dog, let alone two. but [the jews] birthday is coming up...."
the jew: "we could each have one."
me: "yeah, we'd have to split them up if...no, when...we finally move apart..."
the ruskie: "are you guys ever going to move apart?"
me: "we can't live together forever...eventually someone has got to be stupid enough to want to marry one of us...and, it's not like we're the golden girls!"
the jew: "oh! but when we get to be like 80 can we all live together?!" (said totally seriously, btw)
me: "yeah, you can be the slutty one (to the ruskie)."
the ruskie: "WHATEV."
me: "no! you could be bea arthur!"
the jew: "yeah!"
the ruskie: "I AM NOT BEA ARTHUR!"
me (looking at the time): "UGH! I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO BLOG THIS BEFORE WORK!!"

in the end we think this little gal may be our winner. i showed her to the jew and she got really quiet, smiled, and gave this look that made me finally understand the phrase 'melting right in front of me':

"omg...i think that may be my puppy."

i think i may agree. hell, with a response/look like that, how can i not?