let's start off with an explanation for anyone who doesn't know who laura (or katzif, as i lovingly call her) is. laura is the straight girl that i will never hook up with for all eternity because she's too much like me. this makes her even more awesome than she already is. also, she can very well be described as my long lost conjoined twin. somehow we forgot to come out conjoined. if you knew us you would understand that us forgetting something of this enormity could happen. also, we somehow managed to come out of two different wombs in two different continents. again, if you knew us, you'd know that somehow we could probably have made that happen at a young age too. whatever. long lost conjoined twin. she got the better hair, jerk.
today seemed like a perfect day to go house hunting on our parts. why are we living together one may not really care to ask? well, it's just that time. that time where you realize you need to move out on your own, you're 25 for fucks sake, but really you can't afford to live on your own. so you go with a roommate that you probably won't end up wanting to kill or, ya know, won't end up killing you (or cutting up your clothing) so you go to your new found long lost conjoined twin from another country and make the offer and since she already was thinking the same thing (because this happens even in long lost conjoined twins) she says "yeah sure ok" and you're on your way.
so we were on our way.
the weather was nice. a little foreboding over katzif's place, but really, even the sun is afraid to go out in that neighborhood.
so we head out to a place out in the middle of nowhere --not like check you for ticks in the sticks kinda out there--but a substantial hike in terms of everyday commute. the house, i must say, was actually quite aesthetically appealing. good construction. solid neighborhood. not too many logistical issues from a safety point of view. mostly pros in my book, but the bedrooms were a little tiny so maybe it's a no go. Personally, I liked it. whatever to katzif. WHATEVER. the best part, i realize, that we're going to look for houses and no one is going to get it that we're not a couple which is awesome because that always makes people jumpy and awkward. and ya'll know i do love to make people jumpy and awkward.
second place needs a lot of work but is totally doable. i felt it was very drafty and would cost me a bazillion (read 300) dollars a month to heat the fucker. the owner seemed lovely. midwest girls are the best, of course. i think it could be doable but not my most favorite thing i've ever seen. didn't feel warm (remember the drafty) or like home. but apparently they don't have spiders which is a plus for katzif. they may have poodle bugs but whatever all i'm hearing is katzif has a thing about spiders AND SHE WON'T LET ME TORTURE HER ABOUT IT. not fair. not fair at all.
why, you may ask yourself, is she yammering on about this at all? this shit is boring. and yes, you are correct. but i guarantee you the following shit IS NOT BORING.
for we have met EDWARD THE OWNER/LEASER/REMODELER FROM CHATTY CATHY HELL.
to get the full effect i need to set this up a bit. i need you to picture me driving and katzif trying to find directions on her blackberry. you got that? okay.
me: "i'm really glad i trust you...i'd have already ripped that thing out of anyone else's hands to check we were going in the right way...but i trust you implicitly so i know i don't have to do this."
her:".....*silence*.....*t
me: "really...seriously i don't think i put this much faith in anyone to get me where i need to go but you."
her: "um...we need to be going the other way."
brilliant, right? so we get off on the next exit and then spend like 25 minutes trying to find the highway again. whatever.
now, let me explain edward. edward is a man we not knew of 10 hours ago. we read his ad on craigslist about his house for rent. it was a very thought out extensive listing. really. no joke. laura called and made an appt to see it. he was chatty...well, chatty may not be the word for it, but it's the best i can come with....redundant. he was redundant. this should be fun.
okay so we're lost. it's crazy windy. it's now dark. i'm hungry and katzif has to pee. we're 45 min late to the appt. we missed the proper turns for this house twice, not to mention the freeway faux pas. we turn down the correct street and OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE BRANCHES AND SHRUBBERY FLY OUT OF THE SKY AND INTO THE CAR AND AROUND THE CAR AND OH AUNTIE EM THERES NO PLACE LIKE HOME.
me: "uh...wtf"
her: "uh...wtf"
me: "is this a sign?"
her: "there's the house..red truck! PARK BEHIND THE RED TRUCK"
for the 2nd time today i made the mistake of listening to her and parked behind the red truck.
my third mistake of the day? when edward, the large man with the crack house of crap standing behind him, opened the door i didn't say "let me tell you about jehovah" and pretend we weren't there to see the crap he was trying to pass off as an abode.
now there are a lot of words that i could use to describe this house, but seeing as it is much better described through interpretive dance, i'll let you use your imagination. but, really, crap. everywhere. everywhere. DEAR GOD WHERE DO I PUT MY FEET AND HOLY SHIT WAS THAT BOX MOVING? kinda crap. lucky my girl katzif's on the ball and starts looking at her watch and before i can ask her what time she needs to go to work, she goes "what time do we have to leave to get you to work tonight?" oh i love you, katzif. i really do. totally sympatico. but even then edward would not stop talking. oh, i need to look at this list? do i, edward, do i? no I NEED TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE BEFORE I TAP A HOLE IN YOUR FLOOR WHICH DOESN'T SEEM TOO STURDY TO BEGIN WITH.
so we finally get to leave. get in the car. and....
me/her: "wtf........." laughter.
all in all a fun day. but really me + katzif = good times even in bad ones.
no house was procured. no prospects solidified. we're not even sure we're going to live together. but honestly, for the sake of my mental health and life hilarity i think we should.
and i don't even care if she's the only one that finds this remotely funny. because, honestly, you had to be there. though if anyone else was there, i guarantee this shit wouldn't have happened.
--originally posted dec 16, 2007; 2237 hrs
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