jew: "let me change into something more weather appropriate and i'll be down."
she comes back in a tank top and ponytail and eating a banana. she passes me a banana as well. i didn't even have to ask or think out loud that i wanted one. thanks, jew. after a few minutes she actually takes hold of the air compressor and allows me to eat said banana. thanks even more, jew. about 20 minutes goes by and we give up on the inflatable part of the operation and set about figuring out how to fill the damn thing up again. we make the decision that we will move it to the middle of the yard because that now seems like the most level place (it's like we have this ever shifting backyard landscape, i swear). so we empty out the water AGAIN (at which point we're both standing on the inner tube portion of the pool and i ask "do you ever feel like lucy & ethel?" "right now i do.") and drag it to the middle of the yard. again we start to fill it and again it does the same thing. fuck this, man.
jew: "this is not how i planned on spending my day."
me: "you don't have to help..."
jew: "no, it's a tactical engineering mystery at this point...i have to stick it out."
me: "i think we need to google this."
which we do. we make the decision to head to the home depot. surely someone there will take pity on our plight and help us out. while i'm changing into some actual pants, the jew googles even further. when i come downstairs to brush my teeth she points to her computer with her toothbrush:
me (reading what she wants us to do): "mumble mumble mumble" (toothbrush talk for "you want us to get an 8' pole, a stake, and dig?")
jew: "mumble mumble mumble" (toothbrush talk for "do you have a better idea?")
me: "mumble mumble mumble" ("let's tarp it and sand over it.")
jew: "mumble." (ok)
we head out to the home depot. now, anyone that knows me and the jew knows what it's like for us to go to home depot. it's always an adventure. we get to the home depot. we quickly scoop up most of the stuff we need and head for the sand which is...where? no clue. ask for directions.
guy: "straight back that way."
me & jew simultaneously: "awesome. thanks." ugh. we're so predictable.
get to the sand:
me: "what do you think...3 bags?"
jew: "better get 4...better to have too much than not enough."
me: "true."
we grab 4 bags. head to the check out line. all goes well. get to the car. get in the car. start the car. start to drive and perfectly in sync both of us grab our sunglasses with our right hands, move our hair out of the way, go to put the glasses on, realize the other one is doing the exact same thing, and together we sigh. then laugh. again, so predictable. i sometimes really feel like we're living our own version of the truman show.
we head back home, and decide first we need nourishment. i head for the remainder of my baja fresh. she heads for the cereal. the jew calls her boy. invites him over for a bbq for later in the evening:
me: "tell him i need him to come be manly!"
jew: "we need to you to come do manly things...well, not exactly those types..." (gets her overly girl voice she reserves for him out that really should cost $2.99/min to hear.)
me: "ew."
jew: "i'm sure he'll do it for you too."
me: "bigger ew!"
he agrees to come over but does not agree to do any of the manly things i need him to do for me & my pool. he does, however, agree to do many manly things to the jew which i do not need him to do in my house. ew.
anyway. we change our clothes AGAIN and start to lay the sand down but first
we dragged the pool back to its original spot. 4 bags? yeah not nearly enough.the jew takes off her shirt, and after a particularly interesting bathing suit top malfunction, squints against the sun again. she is not happy. tucker, however, is completely mesmerized by the sand and water.(the actual face she's making in this picture is the perfect not pleased jew face. it's part of *the* look...she's totally going to kill me for putting up this picture, me thinks...)now we're baffled.
me: "do you think if we..."
jew: "stop asking me! i don't know!"
me: "i was just wondering..."
jew: "we need more sand."
now we trek off to the home depot again. except this time neither of us bothered to make either of ourselves any type of appropriately dressed for the public. we get in the car:
me (looking at my cargo shorts and over sized t-shirt & her athletic shorts & sweaty tank top): "well, we now look like the type of people that should be shopping at the home depot."
jew: "yeah..."
me: "we also look like people whose project is failing miserably."
jew: "yeah...."
head back to the home depot, the entire time both of us saying "i feel like we've done this before..." 8 bags of sand later we're on our way back home.
jew (at a stop light): "i really have this urge to get drunk tonight."
me: "me too."
jew: "after today? we deserve it."
we get the bags of sand out (or rather, the jew does because my back is that of a 93 year old woman at this point). we level. we measure. we use a big giant stick. surely we've got it now, right? yeah not so much. of course we don't realize this until we've filled the damn thing with enough potable water to save a tennessee city from annexation by georgia. whatev. at this point i look at the jew and she looks at me:
me: "you done?"
jew: "so done."
we give up. we'll try again next week. maybe.
my big wonder in all of this is not how we're going to level the damn pool or how we're going to empty the thing without flooding our neighbors back yard, but what the visitors of the arlington sheridan hotel must think of us as they peep out their windows and into our back yard. i know that if i were them, seeing this type of shit go on would have been the best part of my vacation.
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